quiet

It is Sunday morning and I am sitting in my house alone. Grammy is still upstairs and Kyle and the kids are in Ironton. I cleaned yesterday which really means getting everything put back in its rightful place and now am enjoying the peace of the morning. I like it but I know if it was one more day I would be losing my mind. I love my family and want them here with me. that being said, last night I got out a little bit which is unusual but I realized it is necessary. So much of my world revolves around my home and children and outside of the context I am starting to be a bit uncomfortable. Even my closest relationships are with other moms. Trying to maintain me is essential but six years into motherhood who the heck am I? I don't even know where to begin with that question. And I certainly don't know who I want to be outside of my mom and wife mode. I will say that I want the wife mode to look more like friendship and sharing things rather than domestic partners sharing the chores of life. Not to say that we don't have friendship but I think in maintaining our friendship and outside interests I can re emerge with thoughts outside of daily life. I really don't know...the hard part is that when I am not outside of my context I don't even think about the necessity of being there and that scares me. It is funny that this re evaluation seems to happen most times when I am pregnant because I become so holed up and internal. I know I have outside interests, running and my love of good food being my favorite, but those 2 things are non existent right now and I feel somewhat lost and insecure. Coffee time though, I will sit alone and think. It is another hard thing for me because my house is NEVER really quiet and I have gotten so used to the noise and not thinking. I need to stop writing before I have a crisis : ) Ultimately, I need more time alone to become...