hey

today I just want to write and do not have anything to write about...lame. I dreamed last night that I just got up and ran 12 of the 13.2 mile marathon. I felt good and was so happy. I keep thinking that I am going to start exercising again but the idea of getting up really early is too much and the rest of the day is full of our family life. So really I just said that it is just not that important to me right now. Maybe that is true. It is hard for me not to look at my pregnant body and think weak and tired. It is how I look, it is how I feel so I guess it is the way I should act. Wrong. I want this pregnancy to be different. How can I start exercising and want to? It is much harder this time for me to not have absolute disdain for my body. Then I feel guilty for that. I had finally gotten back to some semblance of my pre pregnancy self only to have it completely distorted out of view within 4 months. I cannot look at my body and see beautiful , just pregnant. That is sad and if anyone else told me that is what they thought of themselves I would probably try to shame them into seeing things differently : ) I went to get a few clothes tonight, managed to get 1 outfit with the help of a friend but other than that I cannot even bring myself to buy anything. The things I have now do not help at all. They don't really fit well, are worn out or stretched out. But when I try on things I cannot see it with a true perspective. I am my prenatal baby's house and I see nothing else. hmmmm. I know better about everything that I just wrote and I know I am looking at this all wrong. Now to say something positive.... I think to do that I will just change the subject.

Life is good at our house. Everyone is healthy, happy and we are semi thriving. I will take Francis and Mags to COSI tomorrow. they could use a break from our house and so could I. I was talking to Canaan about whether we were having a boy or a girl this time and his response was "Mommy if you have a girl it would be a pattern." I asked him to clarify and he said "you know, boy, girl, boy, girl" True Canaan. Mags is teetering between wanting to be a big girl and a baby. She loves to try to use baby talk but at the same time is always asking us for liberty to do more on her own. It is an awkward, emotional time for her but she and I are muddling through. The best therapy for Mags is time with just me or Kyle to be herself. She is so well behaved when we take her out alone and we really value that time with her. Francis is now saying "I do" but mostly he just says "Canaan" over and over because he is OBSESSED with his big brother and father. He wants to be with them all the time. He is eating alot more, they all are and it is getting expensive to feed these kids. I do love them though.