The end of week one

Today is day 8!! Woo hoo!! I made it through the first week and stayed on my plan every single day. As far as the food goes I am happy. However here is the truth. It is bringing up so much crap inside me. Kyle and I have talked and talked and talked about denying ourselves and what that does to our emotional/mental stability. There were times this week when I seriously felt lost with out an afternoon fix. So most days I start with coffee, get a kick of energy, hit the day pretty strong and then crash around 1pm. I then remedy that by eating some sort of decadent sweet treat that I have baked, and find that I have more energy to keep going. Now this is not just about energy. I actually get a bit of a high from sugar. I look forward to it with anticipation that I cannot describe except to say when I am doing it it is all I am thinking about. It is an escape. later in the day I will follow up again and then maybe once more at night. So here i am this week wandering around like "who the heck am I?" My life has felt boring, purposeless and I have had more than a few irrational anxiety attacks. Weird. The good news is that I see it, I cannot say I have necessarily confronted it but I am thinking about it. I feel like most people have some sort of unhealthy addiction they use as an escape so I literally have no idea what it could look like to live without an escape. We all do it. There have been times I have felt like "what is the point?" What is on the other side that is better than numbing myself? I want to press on to find out. I am hopeful that something beautiful will emerge, some crazy powerful sense of self and of God. I honestly don't know. This is not one of those things where I know what is on the other side and just see it is unattainable, I sincerely don't know what is on the other side. And is three weeks enough? after starting down a path I have not been down in quite a while can I just stop this inner journey in two weeks? No. I won't be so restrictive...but I want to see if I can become content without diversion. Diversion is everywhere, it is a normal part of our existence as Americans. We are so entrenched in it we cannot even recognize it for what it is. My biggest prayer is that God will show me, me. He made me for good and beauty and to walk with Him and there are some severe hang ups in hiding behind my diversions. God help me walk through this and more than anything let it mean something. You are good and your love endures.