race week

So my apologies for being melodramatic. I have not even written the post but I know what is coming : ) I have barely run this week, on purpose. It is taper week and I am not supposed to run much to give my body a time to rest before the marathon on Sunday. needless to say I have been FREAKING out all week. I am used to getting the energy out to keep a level of sanity in general but now I am simply freaking out about the race and feeling super insecure about the whole thing. i know I can do it but man can the mind mess with me. I was so worked up I cried today, after running 1 mile, not for any real reason, just to get the emotion out.

I have always wanted to run a marathon. There are plenty of reasons, some are healthy reasons, other not so much.

Healthy reasons:
1. I love to run, slowly. I get do do this for 6 hours and honestly it just makes me happy.

2. I get to participate in a day with people who value the same activity as me. It is a party out there and I love being a part of something so awesome.

3. I like to set goals and achieve them. I have had the joy of weekly setting running goals and they were actually tangible. It has been so fun.

I don't want to list the unhealthy reasons specifically but suffice it to say on some level I run from my food addiction and for my food addiction. I believed that once I could run a marathon that would somehow go away. It hasn't. but that is great for me to confront.

The journey to the starting line has been full of lessons. I have faced a small injury and had to work through the fact that the race may not happen at all. Let's just say I am a control freak and the idea of the race being taken away was a reminder that I do NOT have control, WILL not have control, and that HAS to be ok. I was not gracious about it and daily took the issue before God to simply help me accept. That was all I had.

The biggest blessing of the whole 3 and 1/2 months of training was that God met me in it. I did a lot of the running on my own and during that time God was extremely present. I listened to teachings, prayed, worshiped, had silence. And I am not even remotely kidding when I say that I began to hear His voice. It was clear. I had time and He had my attention. God continues to reveal Himself to me and in light of His Beauty and Power, I am nothing and my nothingness is welcomed by Him. The best part of all is that before my God, the fact that I fall short, somehow becomes ok. By being able to hear His voice I am able to trust Him, love him and know Him. I would not trade one step, one hour, out on the road these past 3 months for anything because I was in fellowship with my Creator there. I look forward to the days ahead for that reason alone. Experiencing God's presence has become my purpose. That has not always been true, it is now, and my prayer is that it always will be. Outside of Him I am nothing. And that is where my Freedom is found! How many times have I blogged on here about the bondage of my day, life, my worries? I am sure that will be the case in the future but I want to write about my worries or hopes for my family within that freedom, the freedom that comes from walking (running HA!) with God. Ok this has turned into a sermon...

I hope I can remember this at mile 22 of the marathon and am not crying, cussing and beside myself instead. No promises though : ) God is so good, and the marathon is my celebration on Sunday. I celebrate Him. Here goes a whole lot of nothing.