the quandary I call life

I have stopped blogging for a lot reasons. The first being I am so busy but the second and maybe holding equal value is I don't always know who is reading and the idea of being misunderstood or worse having someone feel like they understand me makes me feel vulnerable. Feel free to keep reading : ) there are a million thoughts in my head and I have always loved this outlet. Presently, I am trying to recognize my worth...this is an ever present theme in my blog but it is something I deal with daily. I just told my husband that for about 7 years (since Canaan was born) I have been slowly moving on this journey of finding my worth in what I DO not in who I AM. Examples: I want my house to be clean so I appear to have my life in order when people come in, I want my children to have manners because this reflects my amazing mothering, I want my business to be more successful than any other because that means that i am successful. What I am realizing lately and only realizing because I am living with such high anxiety and anger and sadness and loneliness is that all of those factors that I am trying to use to define myself I have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER!!! My house can be clean one day, dirty the next, My children can be loving and gracious with each other one minute and then turn and belt each other the next. I can get placentas one month and none the next. The point I am learning and what I will have to say to myself over and over....all of these things are what I do not who I am. Who am I then? I am me, I am imperfect but I am me and being me is fine(I don't actually believe that yet). Once I can give myself more grace then i can give others more grace, once I can love myself I can truly love others once I except myself I can except others. All of these things I struggle with daily and this was not always the case. the lense I am looking through with this is my relationship with food. It is my drug of choice, it is the joy I turn to when I feel bored, anxious,sad, scared or that I am not living up to my own unrealistic expectations. So I don't have answers on how to be whole but what I am trying to do is be present to my feelings. When I feel like I should to eat a whole bag of chocolate chips I am stopping and asking myself "what are you hiding from?" I don't know necessarily know what I am hiding from but I know I am trying to confront the uncomfortable space, the dysfunction in my mind, the lies I tell myself all day long. I hope to be able to define all of this in the coming days. Right now, I will practice presence and prayer.