floating

I wandered today, all day. I just could not motivate myself to master my home. Instead I crashed for about 2 hours in the afternoon, exhausted by our week so far. Some days I feel like things are really under control, most days I feel like I am not in control of anything, especially not my life. When I have difficult days I think that most moms feel the way I feel most of the time. We feel isolated, confused, worried about our children, guilty, and overwhelmed longing for days to feel alive rather than not feeling like anything at all. I plan things to fill time because I am too tired to parent or I need some breathing room from children. this is a phase I am in. I hit this point every time a new one is in our home and I am trying to reconfigure our family dynamic. The hardest part for me is eating. because many days I don't feel like I have time to give myself something to feel my soul I give myself food. It is a quick easy delicious fix to make me feel connected to something. But it is false. I binge in ways I would never want anyone to see mostly on some form of sugar. I have even taken to a new love of fast food with the kids for convenience sake. This is a new low for me! I patted myself on the back this evening because I did not go to Dairy Queen after ball practice : ) What I generally despise I am turning too out of desperation. I see my problem . I know I need to be participating in something outside of my children and home to breathe life into my spirit I just have no idea how to make it happen. It will come. Marion will get into our rhythm, or rather will help us create a new rhythm and I will again participate in things that are life giving. People ask me if going from three to four is hard. The answer is no, but having four children has made it feel like I have to pull even harder to get out of the hole of my home. If I can get sleep and order I will feel completely different and those will come. For now as silly as it sounds I need to figure out how to not eat 10 cookies a day. seriously.

Miss Marion is a joy. She is a soft mannered baby who tends to be on the finicky side. She smiles sweetly, talks softly and startles easily. These characteristics have made her our doll. She literally reminds me of all the dolls I mothered as a small child. She has given me struggle about getting into a sleeping rhythm but it will come. We all are enamored.