good day

I feel better, finally. the cough has seriously let up and the weekend was good. I feel much stronger and this makes me feel hopeful. Honestly, the past few weeks, heck months, I was thinking I am not going to make it through this pregnancy. Again the drama in my mind is ridiculous but so it is. So I am holding out that things will continue to improve and sickness will stay away for a while. The kids and I are all on a daily regimen of vitamins, silverbiotics, and probiotics with the occasional dose of cold and flu remedy. Will it make a difference? I have no idea but it feels good to be trying. And it feels good that no one has a runny nose or cough right now. That has not been the case for the past month. As always, vulnerability makes me fearful. It happens every pregnancy to me...carrying a new person and trying to survive and thrive makes me EXTREMELY aware of my humanity. It is healthy and it is important for me to continually try to reckon my need for control. The bottom line is, I have no real control. I need to accept that daily. I cannot make everything nice and neat and certainly not perfect, and by no means can I avoid illness and ultimately death. The people who I know who have reconciled this seem to live more peacefully and mindfully. I always say, I want to know that, but really I do not want to go through hard times to really understand that. Again, that is all out of my control. Today I fight irrational fears, today I fight control, today I fight my weaknesses. How??? Surrender, constantly. It is so hard for me. Today though I choose surrender. I hope I will tomorrow as well. Oh yeah, I started to read Twilight last night. Now, that should be great pregnancy reading. Kyle says he is a little worried that I, the 30 yr old mother, (with clearly no exciting life) will want to fall in love with a vampire. Who knows maybe I will : ) Kidding! I love my husband, he is all the vampire I need. Did I just go to far?