what matters?

I had this amazing respite last week. I went to my sisters for a week. The first three days were hard as I struggled to understand the new pace with my kids and fought with an inward battle of food. By day three I wanted to pack up and go home but something happened. I walked into my sisters house that morning, sent my kids downstairs to do whatever they wanted (video games of course : )) and sat on the couch for about an hour and a half. During that time, tears came, honesty happened, and I said out loud to my parents and sister that I was drowning, drowning in my busyness, inconsistancies, and guilt. As the tears came, so did release. Nothing changed about my circumstances but having time to sit and cry and not have everyone respond with shock and horror allowed a dam to break in my heart. I began to RELAX. I continued in this state of relaxation until the end of spring break, a full 10 days. I was calm, laid back, content and able to see things with much more grace. Then the school week started. My busyness has increased as it will and should and I am fighting internally to hold on to my relaxed state. Oddly I keep trying to find ways to do nothing, like the nothingness is somehow my answer. I have for three days refused to get out of bed and run. Running, the thing I love most (besides food) feels like a chore, a job. and I just won't do it. I know the answer is not to just quit everything to be peaceful but to find a balance. How how how??? I told Kyle that I need some sort of reward system. Like, if I work really hard this morning and get everything (well not everything) straightened up there has to be some time for me at the end of that. I need time for me, time to do whatever the heck I want. When my day begins as a chore and ends as a chore it inevitably leads to a break down. My life seems to move from break down to break down. I am praying and brainstorming on what this should look like in the days ahead. How do I take care myself and my family and ultimately our life as a family. My schedule is important, that has already been determined. Writing it down helps me dictate what actually is necessary in the day, no more no less. I am glad I wrote this. I sat down to write because I woke up this morning, did not run and just sat down and read someone's Boston marathon experience. I was happy for her, and jealous and of course guilty because of not getting up and I cried. Writing this down though has made it ok. I am so melodramatic and my guess is that my period is on the horizon. HA!!!