remembering

Francis
This is his name and this is what we will call him. So if you have not done so come and meet our sweet Francis Meyers. His arrival into this world and into this family has profoundly affected me, in a way that the birth of my first two children did not. I loved their births and love them but this experience was just so different. Having the FULL experience of labor and delivery, a process that I know he and I went through together, has already become immortalized in my mind as a Matrix experience, an experience where I knew I was blessed to say of myself "the blind are made to see" I realize that sounds a little cryptic but basically I knew what it meant to be alive. The pain, the intensity, and the boundaries that I was pushed past as I pushed out a 10 pound 4 oz baby was beautiful. For technicality and memory's sake the details are abbreviated as -I started contractions early sunday morning that were irregular but I knew that they were different because they started to hurt. This was random and sporadic throughout the day until around 8:30-9pm when I started to be able to time them and was needing to breathe through them. My midwife, Kelly, suggested that I sleep and as soon as I tried to lay down around 11pm everything really started going. The midwives, Nina and Kelly, arrived around 1:30am. I got into the birthing tub and stayed in there for 2 hours. It made a big difference just being able to relax in there between contractions. I got out of the tub and started to walk around hoping that this would speed things up. During this time I found myself moving into different positions such as squatting, rocking and swaying. I really was not choosing to do this, I just did. Later my midwives told me that I was moving the baby down, shifting and changing so that he would fit through the pelvis. I started to push around 5:15, again it was involuntary and just happened. My water broke, and through groaning cries I used every ounce of energy in my body and pushed Francis into the world at 5:45am. He was handed to me directly with little intervention and there we lay together. As I read that I know I cannot put the whole experience into words well... It was so different than my hospital births because I was in control. I never became a patient. Until it was time to push, the midwives sat, read, and occasionally checked the baby's heart beat. I was able to just allow my body to give birth, whatever that was going to look like. Recovery has been fantastic, no stitches, no medication with codeine. i am tired and a little sore but really I have been able to just relax in my home with my family. Nina came and checked on Francis and I on Thurs. We were able to sit, talk and process the experience together. I really needed that because I knew she would have more understanding and answers because she has helped and seen over 600 women give birth. She teared up as she talked about the beauty and blessing of watching women give birth. It never gets old it is always a gift. She said had I gone to the hospital the experience would have been so different because of his size. They probably would have broken my water to speed things up and the chances of him getting stuck would have been so much higher. By being given the chance to take it slow and be instinctual I was able to do it. I really did not know if I could, I never chose home birth to be a hero. I chose home birth because I wanted a chance to try. There was so much fear about the unknown, the pain and a million what ifs. God was present I knew it, and birthing my child became a spiritual experience. So much so that right after he was born I wanted to pray. We did. We thanked God for the gift of our son, the gift of birth, and for Himself. There will be more thoughts in the days and years to come but now I am just sort of in euphoria over the experience. It was another death of myself and I was borne again into motherhood. crazy crazy.