Year in Review 2013

I woke with an itch to write, to put into words what on most days is just feeling. My life is amazing, beautiful and hopeful. This year, in April, Kyle quit working at LL and we have spent our time and energy building into our life together. Restorative Peacemaking has become an identity for Kyle and I, and God continues to grow us up in this thing. We began leading home groups at CV and each of the groups we were with this year were extreme blessings in our life. We LOVE our church family. We are becoming emotionally invested in God's work in that place and feel honored to call these people friends and family. With that said, life has been full of highs and lows. There were many months this year where we were ready to give up. The following cycle happened no less than four or five times...One or both of us would decide this instability is too hard, we would begin to crave control and that would be followed with a desperate search for an out, a job that is unrelated to anything we love, something to pay the bills. This would go on for about a week, one of us (usually Kyle) would finally say "what are we doing?! This is not what we want, who we are, and this is not what God is doing" At that point we would recommit to the hard road of unknown, have an increase in faith and have fresh perspective about what is actually happening around here. The point is, that we cannot and do not want to get away from what we believe in. Our hearts are for emotional health. We fight along side those who are committed to the hard work of honestly looking at themselves. God shows up in crazy ways when people engage Him and themselves with intense vulnerable honesty. To be present in that is an Honor, for people to invite Kyle and I into their true selves is humbling. Our life along side people, is a gift we do not deserve, and I am so thankful for Time. Time for relationships, time for each other and time with our children. We have been blessed beyond measure financially this year. Much of our support has come from family and friends who love us unconditionally. We know that their (your) sacrifice and pouring into our lives is the reason we are ending 2013 without debt, and each of our bills paid. It has been miraculous and again humbling. We enter 2014 after a year of being "pregnant" with Restorative Peacemaking, a year of watching as the Lord started shaping something specific. This next year will be a growing into and more of what is happening will reveal itself. It is time for us to include people in our Story, to let others partner in Restorative Peacemaking. To date, we have tried to carry the burden alone and have not always been honest when things were hard. Kyle and I both have been convicted about that. We want to be open about our failures, fears and inconsistencies. We will trust people with our own undoing as so many have trusted us with their own. "God help us to be vulnerable, help us to reach out and to trust others with our potential successes and inevitable failures". In all things this year I am ending 2013 with immense gratitude, gratitude that has made the month of December an extremely weepy month. I feel so present to God's goodness,kindness and grace that I will cry about ANYTHING. My tears have been joyful and the necessary release that I need in moments when I feel so very full.

The Convent April 3rd 2013

The following excerpt is from my journal today at the Convent. What a gift! I have rested and feel renewed. God is good. 07:48pm what a great day! I have RELAXED and enjoyed conversation with my husband so much. We had breakfast read, wrote, talked, I read Wrinkle In Time...we walked to Kroger got a bottle of wine sat on the back deck at the Brown house and shared the bottle and talked some more. The best thing about our conversation is the dreaming we are doing. The last month we have been blessed with a season of dreaming. It has been such a long time since we dared to do that together. But we dreamed today of our future, restorative peacemaking, ministry at the church, our home and all that entails. God has given us vision in Him We get to enjoy the adventure, the ride WITH the Lord. He has invited us into His plan and it is going to be hard but so so rich. I am rested and ready for what is ahead. I do not know what is ahead but it is with anticipation not dread that I look toward the days ahead. God you are so good. You are allowing Kyle and I serve in your kingdom with our many flaws. You rejoice over us and say this is good. You are Good, Holy and Happy. I want to share in your Happiness over me. You are blessed Lord Jesus. I love you with all that I am. May I offer my life as a living sacrifice, Holy and pleasing to you. I am so encouraged!!!!!

most merciful God

LICE! We are now experts as each one in our family has had them. I must say, the idea of them is worse then the actual little buggers but don't get me wrong, they are a huge nuisance. Magnolia turned 7 this month. She is the joy of my heart. Anyone who knows my history with Maggie might furrow a brow at that comment but it is true. She is becoming quite the little lady. Last night she warmed my heart as we played try to make me laugh. The boys, Maggie and I each took turns. We soon realized Maggie is the easy target because sister would laugh at ANYTHING. I took delight in the giggles that shook her body until her stomach ached. It was so fun. To laugh that easily is a gift I hope she never loses. So thankful to share life with Ms Magnolia Ann. On a side note...she is the one who got lice first. I tell her all the time what amazing hair she has. There is a lot, it is thick, dark and gorgeous. Lice apparently love Maggie's hair as much as I do. It has been hardest to control with her. Life in our home is chaotic and electric. We have been on a journey of faith this past year that has been full of highs and lows. Most importantly we have experienced so many new levels of growth and have been given so many opportunities to confront ourselves. I am being changed. As I experience God's continuous love, my heart is softening toward myself and toward others... We are not ever sure of our next step but we are learning as a family to have faith that God is guiding us and that he has a purpose for our lives. In it all, there have been so many times that God has been present and speaking. This Lent season has been one of those times for sure. The struggle of the unknown has felt like the way to the Cross and we have asked God more times than I can count, "Where are you or what is next? Those thoughts are always coupled with "Lord I believe. Help my unbelief!!!!". We are learning acceptance with Joy, learning that the stability we crave and had believed came through monetary means, is not what we are after. Our stability comes only from a trust and faith in a God that is good and will take care of us. The financial piece is neither here nor there. He will provide. Money comes as we need it. Each of us are invited into a crazy upside down Kingdom with a sovereign King. A kingdom where the first are last and the last are first. A kingdom where a few loaves of bread and fish can feed multitudes. A kingdom whose King says that "anyone who loses his life for my sake will find it". A kingdom with a resurrected King. We make ourselves available and enjoy the foolish adventure of participating in this Story. We look forward to Easter with a renewed Hope...I am excited!!!!!!!!!!!

Francis is 5

My baby boy turned 5 today (sigh...). I looked at Francis and noticed he was taller, more self assured. He is growing up and I notice this most when talking with him. He is an EXCELLENT conversationalist. He takes such pleasure in people. It is where he gets his energy. And each of the other members of our family enjoy him so much. The best word to describe Francis really is, enjoyable. Francis within you as a 5 year old I see a gentle soul who has the ability to be a Lion. Once you realize your strengths you will own them. I believe you will thrive on marching to the beat of your own drum and yet need to ask others to march with you. This will be so fun to watch and be a part of. We love to laugh, wrestle, sing, and dance with you. Thank you for being so present to your family. You are a gift. We love you.

Year in review

I looked at this blog and realized I have not written since August. I now recognize, it is because I have so many other forms of processing with people these days that my blog has not been the necessary outlet it once was. Still, I am feeling extremely reflective this Christmas and want to write about our past year. 2012 has been one of the best years of our marriage and one of the best years of my life. I have been given the gift of spiritual oneship with my husband as well as a church family that we have only begun to get to know but are learning to love. It is most important that I count the many blessings we have had. In April of this year Kyle went to very part time hours at LL and began establishing his own work. We have had minimal income and yet have been taken care of beyond the basics, we have even had excess. My placenta business along with Kyle's business gave us enough to cover our bills monthly. At the beginning of most months we would ask ourselves and each other "where is the money going to come from this month?" and we always had it. We have learned the excitement of trusting God and have come to know Him on a new level because of our desperate reliance on his provision. It has been a joyful bumpy ride. There have been down days, and there have been days of fear and frustration, Through it all, I know, Kyle and I have been drawn together with Jesus leading us forward. I am so proud of the man my husband is. He has opened himself up in ways I did not know were possible. He is letting go of pride and embracing humility and I see Jesus in him. His wisdom inspires me and his love frees me. Wonderful people have loved me so well this year. New friends, and old, have talked, cried, prayed, laughed and listened as I started to let go of myself and began to understand what my identity as God's beloved looks like. I am no where near complete but my understanding of what it means to be a part of the People of God has been birthed. I have said to a few people that I have been able to begin giving out of overflow instead of duty because I feel poured into. By that, I mean, time with friends has been time with God..and there were are MANY moments with people this year where I walked away and breathed a refreshed sigh because I was in beautiful company in God's midst. I am thankful. The Meyers story is continuing to unfold. I feel the stirrings of purpose in my heart. As I have received I want to give. I do not know what that means but a desire to Love as I am Loved is forming. No longer do I live by an ideal or a dogma, rather I live as one loved by God. This changes EVERYTHING for me. God is so good, his love endures forever and it is for all people. "Jesus use me as you have used so many people in my life this year. May I be a part of your story".

surrender

The past few weeks have been very hard. The busyness of my life has overwhelmed me and whenever that happens I start to tighten my fists around my pain and believe the solution is start managing... managing my schedule, finances, and most of all eating. Oddly this just was a downward spiral the past few weeks. The more I tried to control the more tired and hopeless I became. I have not been able to look at my life hopefully or peacefully and my doubts have taken over. This morning though, God has spoken into my darkness. I listen to pray-as-you-go when I remember to do it : ) The theme was surrender and, hesitantly, with a weak resolve I have been able to re-surrender the things that can burden me daily. One step at a time, I will choose to walk hand in hand with my Savior and invite Him into the chaos. We are loved.

birthday

I had the most intentional birthday this year! It was just how I wanted and I know it was a good one because I am over the celebrating and ready to move on tired and content. It included cake and presents with the Meyers family on the fourth of July Date night to Harvest Pizza and Moonrise Kingdom with my wonderful husband Sat was an all girl dinner party where we shared a lengthy, leisurely meal around the table starting at 6pm and I fell into bed around 12pm. It was full of life, great conversation and laughter. It was just as I wanted it to be. I was intentional with my friends. Reading a "speech" and offering the encouragement to them that I always desperately need. they of course reciprocated beyond measure. Below is my monologue. It is about my 33rd year. It has been a great year full of changes inside and out. July 7th 2012 I have spent a significant amount of time in my adult life heaping judgement, bitterness, and unforgiveness on those around me because of my own insecurities. I could not reconcile that I am loved, and I have not been receptive of God’s love. In order to have validation I have continually sized others up in relation to myself. I could never be good enough, I have always strived to be better, to be more... somehow trying to create a false sense of greatness. In this there has been no room for others. When you constantly judge yourself in relation to another you cannot truly give or receive love. This past year I have been going under major reconstruction of my understanding of myself and reconciliation between myself and God. As I have begun to open myself to Him again, I am experiencing new life. I am accepting my imperfection as God accepts my imperfection, I am finally allowing myself to accept that God and others actually love me for who I am, flaws and all. I do not need to prove my worth. God is good. It is worth saying again, God is GOOD! He loves us. Because of all this, tonight I want to speak truth to each of you. Each of you is an important part of my life and have become an integral part of my story. In general, I am not comfortable with being vulnerable and expressing what you truly mean to me. There is no room for anything but honesty and truth. I fell like I am starting to see through the bullshit and and remembering that I have courage to speak truth . And truth is, that you my friends are gifts. We cannot always see how amazing we really are and it is an important part of the body of Christ for us to speak into each others lives, to call each other forward to be the amazing women we are, but often refuse to see. I have written to each of you today to remind you of who you are and to remind you of how you speak into my life. As I wrote I prayed. I prayed that God would help you have grace for yourselves, that He would help you to accept the gifts he has put inside of you to bless His world. In return I ask that you do the same for me. Remind me of what God is doing and has done. I love each of you so much and I want to help perpetuate a culture of Truth, honesty and reconciliation amongst ourselves. Forgive me for the times I have been proud, gossipy, condescending and judgemental. The words I have spoken out of bitterness were nothing but a display of my pain. May God help me to love you well, to remind you that you matter and what you say and do here matters. My biggest prayer is that together we can share with each other in offering God’s hope, restoration and rebirth to His very broken creation. If that is not what it means to be alive, I do not know what else there is.