bland food is tasty!

day 21!!

2012-01-28T03:47:00.000-08:00

I am glad. I have nothing else to say about that.

flylady

2012-01-24T04:08:00.000-08:00

we are reintroducing ourselves for 20th time! I always start to get organized and then lose steam. Lame. Anyway, thanks the the flylady yesterday I vacuumed under my bed for the first time in a LONG time. It's the little things that count, right?

5 more days on this detox until the end. Here is what I will keep:

-mostly plant based diet with minimal dairy and meat
-no processed sugars. I may still use a bit of honey.
-no prepackaged foods. I want everything I eat to be real.
-1 shake per day probably in the am
-at least 64 oz of water every day

I am on the fence about coffee. It is so wonderful to wake up to in the morning and I know it will help me get out of bed at 4am.

I am excited to add grains, nuts, seeds and beans back in. Oatmeal with fruit, flaxseed and maybe nuts after a run sounds AMAZING right now.

day 15

2012-01-22T03:41:00.000-08:00

I have not posted in a while because the cleanse is not at the front of my mind. The new way of eating has become incorporated into my day and is feeling great. I am hoping that it will continue. I have 6 days left and I am ready for it to be over so that we can move on...move on in the sense of focusing on feeding us all well but without such strict rules. I have been so focused on me to make sure I stay on track and I basically want to pull the family in and normalize. Life is hectic. I have been working on placentas every day since Wed. I will be working on one today and tomorrow and still have two other moms due this month. I am thankful for the work but oh so overwhelmed. When I think about my day it is me and the kids in a peaceful clean home enjoying each other, working together and feeling productive. I am not even sure if this is possible and the truth is it is probably a false ideal. However, I crave order so badly. My personality does not lend itself toward structure and I can easily get distracted as I move from task to task. I make schedules just to break them but in my heart I feel like I can do it. I am praying for creativity and a clear mind so that it can be our reality. There are things that need to change. I pray God will give me wisdom.

day 11

2012-01-18T01:50:00.001-08:00

I am in double digits and today I get to add lean protein back in...I have some salmon and chicken waiting! I am normalizing on this thing. I have been looking up recipes and the things that look good, are good for me. I found a website I love called wholefoodmommies.com...It is plant based whole food. I have NO intentions of being vegan but we need so many more veggies/whole food in this house so I am excited to give things on there a try...I feel good today. No drama.

The end of week one

2012-01-15T02:56:00.000-08:00

Today is day 8!! Woo hoo!! I made it through the first week and stayed on my plan every single day. As far as the food goes I am happy. However here is the truth. It is bringing up so much crap inside me. Kyle and I have talked and talked and talked about denying ourselves and what that does to our emotional/mental stability. There were times this week when I seriously felt lost with out an afternoon fix. So most days I start with coffee, get a kick of energy, hit the day pretty strong and then crash around 1pm. I then remedy that by eating some sort of decadent sweet treat that I have baked, and find that I have more energy to keep going. Now this is not just about energy. I actually get a bit of a high from sugar. I look forward to it with anticipation that I cannot describe except to say when I am doing it it is all I am thinking about. It is an escape. later in the day I will follow up again and then maybe once more at night. So here i am this week wandering around like "who the heck am I?" My life has felt boring, purposeless and I have had more than a few irrational anxiety attacks. Weird. The good news is that I see it, I cannot say I have necessarily confronted it but I am thinking about it. I feel like most people have some sort of unhealthy addiction they use as an escape so I literally have no idea what it could look like to live without an escape. We all do it. There have been times I have felt like "what is the point?" What is on the other side that is better than numbing myself? I want to press on to find out. I am hopeful that something beautiful will emerge, some crazy powerful sense of self and of God. I honestly don't know. This is not one of those things where I know what is on the other side and just see it is unattainable, I sincerely don't know what is on the other side. And is three weeks enough? after starting down a path I have not been down in quite a while can I just stop this inner journey in two weeks? No. I won't be so restrictive...but I want to see if I can become content without diversion. Diversion is everywhere, it is a normal part of our existence as Americans. We are so entrenched in it we cannot even recognize it for what it is. My biggest prayer is that God will show me, me. He made me for good and beauty and to walk with Him and there are some severe hang ups in hiding behind my diversions. God help me walk through this and more than anything let it mean something. You are good and your love endures.

Day 5

2012-01-12T11:09:00.000-08:00

today I tried a raw soup that was pretty good. red peppers, avocado, jalapeno, garlic, onion,salt and a bit of water...I actually enjoyed it. The good new is that this detox is so uneventful I don't even have anything to write about. I feel great, happy and calm. The best thing so far is the peaceful relationship I have had with food this week. Normally, I am always thinking about where my next "fix" is going to come from. I think about it literally all day long. Because I have had stable eating, I have been just that, stable. I can eat a meal, feel full and satisfied. I get up from the table and can move on in my head. There is no guilt because I over ate and no anxiety because I did not eat as much, or what I wanted, and still am resisting. I have peace about it really and truly. I remind myself this is day to day, I may feel different tomorrow and I will not live in perfection. My relationship with food is a journey, we need to be partners and friends. I hope we can redefine the terms of our friendship, a little more give and take...and ultimately I want healing. I want to have a true perception of myself, and of the food I eat. Not just truth but love. The honest question for me to end with is "can I love myself enough to take care of myself and give myself grace?" I don't know. God help me.

day 3

2012-01-11T06:01:00.000-08:00

another good day. Today's discovery was spaghetti squash! Yum!!!!! I basically made a vegetable and tomato sauce and ate it over the squash and it was just like comfort food and I was one happy mama.

today is day four and interestingly I am more cranky, tired and wanting to eat junk more than I have so far. Here is the deal. I did not go to bed until 10:30pm and got up at 5:30am. Now I know that 7 hours of sleep is good for a lot of people but not me. I do best on about 9 hours. So today is the first day I really am missing coffee. I know that once I start on the coffee to deal with tiredness that will inevitably lead to a sugar binge in the afternoon to still deal with the same tiredness. In an ideal world I would be in bed by 8pm and up at 4am. Kyle and I are talking about how to simplify our lives. Can I put myself on a strict bedtime and waking schedule? I want to. I am happier, and my kids are happier. This morning I was a wreck, distracted, and IRRITABLE. I know I have not been this way the past few days so sleep has to be the culprit. I don't want to rely on caffeine so I am going to have to set boundaries for myself with my time. I want all of my friends to get on my schedule and hang out with me between 4am-7am...deal : )??

Another ahh ha moment. Now lets see if I can recover because I know what is up and go on with my day. I will say this, I always give Maggie a hard time for having a low tolerance level. If she is tired or hungry she is an emotional wreck. Unfortunately I know where she gets it from. So I have to give her some grace : )

day 1 and 2

2012-01-10T02:03:00.000-08:00

Day 1
Here is what I ate
shake in early morning
1/2 sweet potato and raw carrot and celery mid morning
salad with oil and vinegar and shake lunch
stir fry veggies and 1/2 cup rice and shake at dinner

I felt a little tired but nothing terrible. I did nap for about an hour and had a headache through the evening. I actually expected to feel much worse as I had read stories of people puking.

Day 2
shake in early morning
1/2 sweet potato and cooked spinach, green beans and rest of stir fry veggies.
salad at lunch
shake in afternoon
AMAZING lentil soup and salad for dinner

I felt great today. no cravings, no headaches, just good. I had more energy, did not have the usual afternoon crash and have felt really stable in my thinking. I am surprised!

what I am learning about myself
-with a plan I can eat well. I got all of my food prepped as suggested on Saturday. I cut all my veggies, made a very specific menu and have it ready for me in just a few minutes. This has helped avoid the hunger panic. In times past the clencher for me is always my hunger...This week I have not had to worry about what I was going to eat, or how I was going to have time to fix my own food as I fixed my family's.

- I notice having to fight the habit of eating as I cook and clean up, I have with held but notice it is my natural inclination to just pick at things I have prepared or finish the kids food! this habit has to go

-my kids are eating better by default. I have fixed some things for me and some things for them but inevitably they want to at least try what I have, maggie and marion both have been eating salad and lentils, by choice and everyone's fruit and veggie in take went up over the past two days, just because it is what I was going toward.

-if I do not start my day with foods that lead to sugar (coffee, toast) the craving never sets in. It is interesting. Honestly, I know I am only on day three and I will crave it but I expected the first two days to be a nightmare. But it turns out that good choices really do just lead to more good choices.

All in all, I feel empowered not miserable. 19 days sounds like a long time and I really want to be successful but I am off to a good start.

Boring I know

2012-01-08T01:44:00.001-08:00

anyway I am going to blog my experience over the next 21 days with the Standard Process Purification program. It involves protein shakes, lot of veggies, some fruits and just a little bit of carbohydrates. I love epiphanies when I am being self sacrificial : ). So as I will be in the depths of despair I am sure I will come up with some doozies. It will be interesting as I am so melodramatic. Today is day 1. I awoke at my favorite time of 4:30 thought about the coffee I was going to get up and have and quickly remembered that no, there will be no coffee today. I am making herbal tea instead. See I told you this would be boring! Who blogs about drinking tea? Oh well.

On another note, sweet Francis had his 4th birthday yesterday. Grammy Addis always says that at 4 they are no longer babies and it is so true. So of course with my baby boy this is bitter sweet. Francis is in the problematic place of number 3 and as soon as Marion was born was herded into the big kid group. I have not seen him as a baby in so long and now am feeling a little sad that I missed it. He is a doll, responds to love and affirmation like no one else and is gentle while being ornery and wild. He loves to play WITH people and really does not play on his own at all. He is always doing what one of the rest of us are. I am learning to appreciate that. He and I have more time together now and no one is a better helper than him. Francis my sweet boy I love you with all that is in me.

so many thoughts

2012-01-02T03:00:00.000-08:00

I should be running right now, I will when I am done! I love new years and I love goals. There are probably 50 goals for 2012 in my head but suffice it to say...Structure structure structure are on board in 2012. This will help in all areas especially with my children. It is not a part of my personality but the little ones suffer when i do not have their day STRUCTURED. We are on the journey to being a sugar free household. Maggie and I in particular are super sensitive to the white stuff. I have always tried to go cold turkey in the past and that does not work so I am following plans. Plans that I am sure I will thwart. I remind myself minute by minute "this is a journey, this is a journey". The Christmas season was alot for me this year. There were moments of joy, pain, sickness and laughter with family and friends. I am gladly waving farewell and wanting to hunker down for the month of January. I envision myself snuggled in bed reading to Canaan by 8:30pm most evenings and up in the morning for quiet time and exercise by 4am. Sounds heavenly!! "January, I embrace you lets see what we can make of this year!"

cantata

2011-12-17T02:40:00.000-08:00

I am a part of the BEST cantata I have ever been involved with this year. It is at LL and it has been the most humbling, and beautiful experience for me this Christmas season. Suffice it to say, when I joined there was a sense of "they need me". Who else would carry the altos" Ha! I can be so full of myself, most of the time. and as in most cases I was missing the point and WRONG. Last night was our first performance of three (yep three). I questioned this decision from day one, why three? I felt like we were trying to be something we are not by setting up a whole dinner theater vibe and doing the cantata all weekend. But before the performance we gathered in the back to pray, talk about family and friends who may be coming, and summing up the season as far as at meant to each cantata member. Everyone was so excited, and I finally understood the whole thing. They were proud, and they felt special, they had JOY and they wanted people to see it. That was reason enough. But the performance was the clencher. I had to fight tears as each person spoke. About 6 or 7 people do monologues. One has cerebral palsy, one has a sever stuttering problem, one is learning to read. And the rest of us? we were who we were, with nothing to prove just people who love God and his Son's birth. and you know what? God was there. He was there. In our words, in our flat and sharp notes, and beautifully imperfect harmonies, and above all in the spirit of each person who gave all they had. I would take being a part of this group of people over any extravagant living christmas tree, with animals, and perfection any day. As it turns out I have been sick with a cough, that has been a gift in itself. By not being able to sing, I have been able to look past my choir book, past trying to perfect the notes to see what is really happening there. I am so thankful I got sick. Not that anyone believes that I can sing either : )

upside down kingdom

2011-12-16T03:01:00.000-08:00

This is the kingdom I am a part of. A kingdom where the first are last and last are first. A kingdom where the weak are made strong and strong are made weak. A kingdom whose king offers me to trade in my burdens and take up his light and easy yoke.

I have been frazzled, busy, and my days have been dictated by a schedule that is filled for me before I even get out of bed. This has been my reality for about three weeks now. In the stillness of this Friday morning, I am turning my gaze from my busy schedule, to my king. This king who chose to become lowly and weak in a very broken world. Not just THE broken world, but MY broken world. How can I, in light of this truth, continue to spin in the nothingness of my many December obligations? My schedule my not change today but my heart will. My heart is bowed before a king in a manger. a King who I love with everything in me and a king who has and does love me like no other.

exercise makes me a tad manic

2011-11-23T04:35:00.001-08:00

I come home from the y in the morning with 1 million thoughts in my head and wanting to talk about all the amazing things I have discovered since I woke up at 4-5am...alas it is all exercise induced but welcomed none the less. My youngest is now 19 months old. In the past 7 years I have never gotten a child to this point without being pregnant again. I actually am starting to feel my own identity reemerging as I get my body back, become more fit, and intentional on all levels. Life feels steady today, and for that I am thankful. God is present to me in my normal day to day and that feels good. I am always wanting to be thrown against the coals because it is there I feel the refiners fire, so to be able to just say "yeah my life feels stable" makes me question if God is still with me. Crazy. Honestly I think the real joy is learning how to invite Him into my day to day as I mother, run, love my husband and try to be a friend. His voice gets particularly small when I feel steady on my feet but I want to feel closest to Him in the steadiness.

Today I am thankful that a baby in Arkansas is home with her family with a cancer that is not as "serious" as was believed last week. God still moves, and the Lamb is on His throne!

by the way I am enjoying my first cup of black coffee right now. I have finally grown up : )

The Marathon (Update)

2011-10-18T09:21:00.000-07:00

It is not even fair for me to start posting about this yet because there are so many thoughts on so many levels about how I feel right now. Two days post marathon and this mom is HURTING! It was hard, I am wondering what the heck I did that for : ) and I realize there is so much that needs to be thought through about who I am. There were amazing moments, there were difficult moments and there was victory, not in the accomplishment but in being DONE with something so hard. I know my story will be different in weeks and months to come but suffice it to say the challenge on Sunday was not insignificant, I feel weak. I am excited to work through my emotions. Nothing is ever what you think it will be. It is good to confront and try to find truth in the midst of mental and physical pain. We will see what I come up with out of this!

My girls got me through it. Lianne, Molly and Karen carried me to the finish line and I could not have done it alone. I think there was a bit of pride on my part to step out and attempt something so challenging alone, and in the end I know I could not have done it without my friends. Their support meant everything and I do not say that lightly. It was such a huge symbol for me that they crossed the finish with me. These three girls began my running life with me, I NEVER would have begun running if I did not have their companionship, conversation and simple company when I was learning to run. I knew my dependence on them then and I was able to realize that I still depend on them now. Such a gift...there are many many many more things to process but that is all for today. Now someone tell me how to go up and down three flights of stairs with these darn quads!!! AAGGHH!!

2008

2011

race week

2011-10-13T03:19:00.000-07:00

So my apologies for being melodramatic. I have not even written the post but I know what is coming : ) I have barely run this week, on purpose. It is taper week and I am not supposed to run much to give my body a time to rest before the marathon on Sunday. needless to say I have been FREAKING out all week. I am used to getting the energy out to keep a level of sanity in general but now I am simply freaking out about the race and feeling super insecure about the whole thing. i know I can do it but man can the mind mess with me. I was so worked up I cried today, after running 1 mile, not for any real reason, just to get the emotion out.

I have always wanted to run a marathon. There are plenty of reasons, some are healthy reasons, other not so much.

Healthy reasons:
1. I love to run, slowly. I get do do this for 6 hours and honestly it just makes me happy.

2. I get to participate in a day with people who value the same activity as me. It is a party out there and I love being a part of something so awesome.

3. I like to set goals and achieve them. I have had the joy of weekly setting running goals and they were actually tangible. It has been so fun.

I don't want to list the unhealthy reasons specifically but suffice it to say on some level I run from my food addiction and for my food addiction. I believed that once I could run a marathon that would somehow go away. It hasn't. but that is great for me to confront.

The journey to the starting line has been full of lessons. I have faced a small injury and had to work through the fact that the race may not happen at all. Let's just say I am a control freak and the idea of the race being taken away was a reminder that I do NOT have control, WILL not have control, and that HAS to be ok. I was not gracious about it and daily took the issue before God to simply help me accept. That was all I had.

The biggest blessing of the whole 3 and 1/2 months of training was that God met me in it. I did a lot of the running on my own and during that time God was extremely present. I listened to teachings, prayed, worshiped, had silence. And I am not even remotely kidding when I say that I began to hear His voice. It was clear. I had time and He had my attention. God continues to reveal Himself to me and in light of His Beauty and Power, I am nothing and my nothingness is welcomed by Him. The best part of all is that before my God, the fact that I fall short, somehow becomes ok. By being able to hear His voice I am able to trust Him, love him and know Him. I would not trade one step, one hour, out on the road these past 3 months for anything because I was in fellowship with my Creator there. I look forward to the days ahead for that reason alone. Experiencing God's presence has become my purpose. That has not always been true, it is now, and my prayer is that it always will be. Outside of Him I am nothing. And that is where my Freedom is found! How many times have I blogged on here about the bondage of my day, life, my worries? I am sure that will be the case in the future but I want to write about my worries or hopes for my family within that freedom, the freedom that comes from walking (running HA!) with God. Ok this has turned into a sermon...

I hope I can remember this at mile 22 of the marathon and am not crying, cussing and beside myself instead. No promises though : ) God is so good, and the marathon is my celebration on Sunday. I celebrate Him. Here goes a whole lot of nothing.

canaan

2011-08-25T04:15:00.000-07:00

not the happiest kid in the world when he got home yesterday...we go through the same drill every year. He is nervous, hates the first day because it is new and different and harder. This year his day ended in frustration and tears. It is always so hard for me not to over parent when he is hurting and frustrated. I tend to tell him "don't worry, Mom is going to make everything ok" but I realized this morning that if I can put that responsibility back on him to make it better for himself he can go leaps and bounds beyond what I can do for him. My prayer for my sweet boy this morning is that he can own his frustration and do something about it. He will. He always does. It just takes time. This may be a challenging year for him but I say bring it on. I know what Canaan is capable of. I want Canaan to see what Canaan is capable of. Prayer for the day "God, I need tremendous wisdom and grace to parent Canaan. Eempower and bless him, and above all go before him. May he see you and know You in this struggle. I once again give him back to you". aaagggghhh. such joy and heart ache at the same time in parenting...it is a gift.

1st day of school

2011-08-24T04:18:00.000-07:00

school year begins today. Canaan will be in 2nd grade, Maggie start kindergarten and Francis starts preschool. The summer went too fast. It was an amazing,life changing summer for me. I won't elaborate on here but suffice it to say I am finding my voice. Rachel is gone, I will miss her desperately but she was a God send this summer...literally. We were and are blessed. Reconciliation has happened within my family. God gave me rest this summer so that I could hear His voice and He did not disappoint. So I begin this fall season feeling refreshed, encouraged and strong. I believe God has told me He is going before me in this next season with His Anointing and I can follow...I cannot wait to see what unfolds.

outta here

2011-08-12T06:48:00.000-07:00

we leave for a much needed vacation in a few hours. I will not be online for a whole week! Yeah! I can't wait to just be with my family. We are on our way!

the restart

2011-07-18T04:47:00.000-07:00

this summer has been hitting the reset button and trying to figure out what the heck I think, who I am, and where am I going from here. Suffice it to say there are no answers but the qustions in my head and heart are pushing me in a direction, which is better than the circles I feel I have been spinning in for about 5 years. For the most part I have been present to little outside of my home and kids this summer. It has been welcomed. I feel by going inside my head and heart I can soon emerge with clarity and strength and above all honesty. I have had my sister here this summer and we have wrestled with the past as it has shaped us, who we have become as family and individuals...and now I am left with the question where do I go from here? I want a firm foundation beneath my feet to stand on. I want a firm bridge to walk across as I walk hand in hand with each of my children to their various destinations. I want clear vision and purpose to in still into my children so they have a safe place to ask their own unanswerable questions.

I wept as I ran and heard the lyrics to this mumford and sons song Friday morning...it was meant for me that day.

Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don’t leave me alone at this time,
For I'm afraid of what I will discover inside

Cause you told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals

Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I see

It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But you say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart

Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I see
Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I've seen

Stars hide your fires,
These here are my desires
And I won't give them up to you this time around
And so, I’ll be found with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul

But you, you’ve gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine

Below is the line that got me:
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart

bless the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me bless his Holy name.

and now...

2011-06-16T05:23:00.000-07:00

we have a dog! We adopted a little 3 yr old beagle. The kids are thrilled, I am a bit nervous and life is moving forward, I hope she can grow up with the kids and be their little buddy. It seems promising, she is a sweet heart and obedient. Welcome to our life, Nintendo.

end of school!!

2011-06-02T14:39:00.000-07:00

school is out, now let the fun begin. I plan on lazy days with kids tooling around Columbus. Here is a to do list

pool
library
COSI
several parks
vacation to Indiana
vacation to Michigan
VBS
Pool
pool
pool
and AUNT RACHEL WILL BE HERE FOR ALL OF IT.

did I mention the pool?

10 years

2011-05-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

http://thisaintmyrevolution.blogspot.com/

My husband has been writing about our marriage this week. He is introspective, loving, thoughtful and poignant. I could write about the past 10 years but I defer to him because he has done it so lovingly and well. Check it out. I heart my husband and the beautiful life and family he has given me.

my beautiful daughter

2011-05-22T04:30:00.001-07:00

Today my sweet Maggie graduates from preschool. Kindergarten is just around the corner. It has been a wonderful year at the Y preschool and we have learned and grown together so much. She has had some delays come up but we are working actively to help her catch up : ) She is my doll.

our cat

2011-05-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight June was hit by a car, she is gone...Patience and I were walking home from Lianne's and she saw her, thankfully. Tomorrow we will tell the kids. This SUCKS...it seems odd to care or feel like I want to grieve but she was a great cat, gentle, loving and extremely gracious with the four little people in our home. Rest June, you were and are loved. We will miss your sweet spirit.

Mile 11

2011-05-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

todays half marathon

2011-05-07T10:49:00.002-07:00

It was AWESOME!! I had so much fun, my time was three minutes shorter than the first half and I really gave it an all out effort. I am feeling good about it. Now time to get my foot back in good shape. I got some tendonitis this time around and I am just thankful I even got to the starting line. I got to run with two of my favorite people, Lianne and Kerri. I love them, they were awesome today and I cannot think of a better way to spend mothers day weekend. Not only are they two of my best friends they are two amazing mothers who happen to be runners as well. So thankful to share my day with these two ladies. Now what will I run next : )

today

2011-05-07T10:49:00.001-07:00

ready to run

2011-05-06T18:11:00.000-07:00

game on...second half marathon in the morning. Its significance is that it follows the birth of our fourth child. I.am.back. so nervous and excited. I have a goal time in my head and am terrified to go for it, if I do and fail, I will be disappointed uugghh I hate that about myself. I want to run a strong race and will give it my best. time for sleep.

blog picture

2011-04-26T04:31:00.000-07:00

what a difference a year makes...I would not think things were that different if I did not see my kids growing way to fast. Not to mention baby Marion was all snug inside last Easter and now she is 1 year old and such a big girl. Each kid in this picture looks like themselves...not sure what my husband is doing but oh well. Life is steady today what more can I ask for. I gave a presentation last night on PE and it went well. It was my first and I think each presentation from this point can only get better. I love my family...I hope to enjoy them today.

he is risen

2011-04-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

today I ran downtown on an almost empty high st in the pouring rain. It was the perfect atmosphere to reflect on the day and Jesus resurrection. As I ran I felt the freedom that has been given to me. So thankful....

rest

2011-04-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

I have had the most restful week...I feel lightness of heart and spirit. The realization is that I needed rest. My mom is here...the change of pace makes me realize I am still inside myself. I have laughed more enjoyed more and I even just watched a movie all by myself. Our circumstances are the same but getting a minute to breathe has made it all seem less stressful and more bearable. So thankful for the gift today. Here is a moment I had today where I said to myself "you have too many kids" Mom and I were taking all four children to the bakery (Holiday gf bakery) and then to the playground. As I was pulling kids out of the car I said "mom grab Marion" and lifted a sleepy Francis into my own arms. With Francis on my hip I opened the door to the bakery and looked behind me for my little ducks to file in. Canaan, then Maggie walked in behind me. As I counted two children I quickly yelled out the door of the bakery "Francis come on buddy!...and then remembered I was carrying him in my arms. yep. It is amazing that we get through days. period.

10 miles today

2011-04-09T07:31:00.000-07:00

It is only appropriate that I run 10 miles to celebrate my baby girl turning 1! tomorrow is her true birth date but it was this day last year that Marion gracefully and graciously came into this world. She and I had a fantastic birth and maybe my best birth memories. To run 10 miles today is in honor of what we have become over the past year, a family who is now moving forward into the next phase of life. We will grow up together as the 6 of us. Ahhhh it feels good to move forward figuratively and literally. My foot is tender and giving me a few issues but not holding me back from my race day goal. The race is May 7th and I see the starting line in sight. I feel fit and ready and excited to be fit and ready...tomorrow we celebrate with family and enjoy our baby. She is a happy little joy. Kisses to you sweet noodle. I love you.

expo

2011-03-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

I did my first expo today for placenta encapsulation and it was so fun!! I met some great people and made some good connections. I was nervous about how encapsulation would be received but people were really excited about the idea. It was great not to mention Lianne decorated my table and it was fabulous. THANKS LAN I LOVE YOU

sick

2011-03-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

we have been hammered by the true flu over the past 10 days. Everyone but Marion has been out. It seems to be ending with antibiotics for at least 2 of the kids, not a victorious end but an end none the less. We have been in a funk, fog, and each of us has been so cranky. I have said things I regret, I have wanted space from my family and wondered why I could not maneuver my way through this thing with an ounce of grace. I have wonderful memories of my mother when I was sick. She comforted, cared and loved so well. Her presence was a gift. I actually wonder what my own kids would say about me during there recent sickness. Suffice it to say I was not as nurturing about it as my own mother. I was just plain impatient. I do love them though and if I can see through the mom guilt eyes tonight I can redirect my energy to try again tomorrow. So melancholy on here all the time..and hoping for a better day with my sweet babies and of course my husband who is equally as endearing (occasionally : ))

my life is actually wonderful and happy. my husband just kicked me off my blog so that he can watch a movie. LAME.

the quandary I call life

2011-02-27T13:05:00.000-08:00

I have stopped blogging for a lot reasons. The first being I am so busy but the second and maybe holding equal value is I don't always know who is reading and the idea of being misunderstood or worse having someone feel like they understand me makes me feel vulnerable. Feel free to keep reading : ) there are a million thoughts in my head and I have always loved this outlet. Presently, I am trying to recognize my worth...this is an ever present theme in my blog but it is something I deal with daily. I just told my husband that for about 7 years (since Canaan was born) I have been slowly moving on this journey of finding my worth in what I DO not in who I AM. Examples: I want my house to be clean so I appear to have my life in order when people come in, I want my children to have manners because this reflects my amazing mothering, I want my business to be more successful than any other because that means that i am successful. What I am realizing lately and only realizing because I am living with such high anxiety and anger and sadness and loneliness is that all of those factors that I am trying to use to define myself I have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER!!! My house can be clean one day, dirty the next, My children can be loving and gracious with each other one minute and then turn and belt each other the next. I can get placentas one month and none the next. The point I am learning and what I will have to say to myself over and over....all of these things are what I do not who I am. Who am I then? I am me, I am imperfect but I am me and being me is fine(I don't actually believe that yet). Once I can give myself more grace then i can give others more grace, once I can love myself I can truly love others once I except myself I can except others. All of these things I struggle with daily and this was not always the case. the lense I am looking through with this is my relationship with food. It is my drug of choice, it is the joy I turn to when I feel bored, anxious,sad, scared or that I am not living up to my own unrealistic expectations. So I don't have answers on how to be whole but what I am trying to do is be present to my feelings. When I feel like I should to eat a whole bag of chocolate chips I am stopping and asking myself "what are you hiding from?" I don't know necessarily know what I am hiding from but I know I am trying to confront the uncomfortable space, the dysfunction in my mind, the lies I tell myself all day long. I hope to be able to define all of this in the coming days. Right now, I will practice presence and prayer.

happy new year

2011-01-01T09:33:00.000-08:00

2011. So much hope and anxiety all at the same time. Sad to see my sweet Marion's birth year gone, and excited to watch our family blossom and grow...and become stable.

Christmas week

2010-12-20T07:41:00.000-08:00

The holiday is under way here...things are pretty much done and we can relax. My sister rachel has been here for a week and now Tracy arrives today. My parents will get here wed...hoping for a good week with relaxation and no sickness. I am excited and ready to relax.

11/21/03

2010-11-20T19:35:00.001-08:00

this was the day I gave birth to my beautiful Canaan. Tomorrow he will be 7 YEARS OLD!! Before I was a mom and even when Canaan was a baby I never could have imagined having a kid...I would see kids this age and feel totally disconnected to them but now that my little man is 7 I love it. He is funny, inquisitive and his own person. He is a joy to teach and talk too and I love relating to him as my son and not just my little one. It is such a different stage (as I love to point out the obvious) there is so much for us to learn together. Suffice it to say Canaan is fantastic big brother setting a wonderful example to the 3 children younger than him. I love you my sweet boy.

new website

2010-10-25T14:11:00.000-07:00

I have not written much about a small business venture I have taken on but here is my very own website. Check it out.

www.columbusplacenta.com

I am really excited about this! Now that I am done having my own babies, to be able to participate with other moms and their birth experiences makes me really happy. So here goes nothing...

I love this woman

2010-10-10T08:42:00.001-07:00

Kristen Armstrong is a writer for runners world and also happens to be Lance Armstrong's former spouse. She has a blog I love but this blog below meant SO MUCH to me. I identified with it completely. Check it out.

http://milemarkers.runnersworld.com/2010/09/the-vulnerability-of-the-try.html

and some days the world falls apart

2010-09-24T17:47:00.001-07:00

I am sitting at the end of a day where I have managed to have everyone in tears and feeling really proud of myself (NOT!!) I have not been feeling well this week, Kyle left this morning and I had the brilliant idea to try to manage a completely unmanageable day...as follows

6:45am awake
7:15 - breakfast with kids
7:45- dress kids
8:00- Marion up fed and dressed
8:00-8:45 work on getting everyone out the door to take Canaan to school
9:15 Canaan at school now have three kids at the park
** While at the park I feel the sudden overwhelming urge to use the bathroom, number 2 to be exact. With baby still in my arms, and no where to put her I tell my kids to stay put while I trudge my way to the porta potty...with baby still in my arms I manage to get undressed, sit down, go, only to find out there is no toilet paper in there (AAGGHH!!)
9:35-get in car, go to bank, and then to Maggies hair appt.
10-11am Maggie gets her haircut, while I nurse baby entertain francis and talk to my dear Patience
11am lunch with kids at Jason's Deli (highlight of the day)
12pm take maggie to preschool
**by this time you may be wondering when my baby napped. Let's just say not much which was a preface for disaster
12:45pm we manage to make it home to lay Francis down but Marion is now wired...
1-2pm try to recover the house, rest, and look at work stuff with irritated baby on my hip
2:15pm- Marion finally goes to nap only to have to be woken up a half hour later to go pick up the siblings
2:15-2:45- work stuff
2:45pm - wake up Mags and Francis to go and pick up Maggie by 3pm
3:00-pick up maggie and travel to Westgate to get Canaan
3:30pm pick up Canaan
**at this point the day should have been done for us. The smart thing would have been to go home clean up make a simple supper and put everyone to bed. But NOPE. I thought tonight should be "fun" since daddy is out of town...
4:00pm I drag all three children to stringtown road to buy paint supplies for a fun painting evening
4:15-have to stop at Chick Filet so cranky, hungry, tired, irritable, beside themselves, we just want to go home children BEG for a snack...french fries, water, and fruit cups it is
4:45-finally walk into Michaels to get paint supplies while I threaten my children to "dare touch anything in here!!!" while wearing a tired baby
5:15pm-finally get home kids eat dinner and we sit down to paint
5:30-7pm 4 spilled cups of water, maggie's hand in side her paint water cup, Canaan lasting for about 15 minutes painting, Francis slopping paint all over himself and kind of painting...I called the "fun" time over
7pm-Marion lays down for a brief nap and I put an over tired Maggie and Francis in the bathtub
7:30pm- pull out said children after Francis balled because his eye hurt and Maggie balled because there was now paint pieces from her body in the bath water (did I mention that during bath time Marion awoke and balled and nurse and balled while I tried to wash up the kids. I finally laid her on the bath room floor. She wailed while I dragged (literally) screaming Maggie and Francis out of the bath.
8:00pm tried to get jammies on kids, get them in bed...they are so over tired, as well as I, that we are all irrational. I am screaming maggie is now crying because I am screaming. Canaan bangs his foot in the door...Francis is now beyond tears and just running around like a crazy over tired 2 yr old.
8:30pm- finally everyone falls into bed.
8:45pm- I sit down and write this blog because really I need someone to process the insanity with and I am alone

I will say that writing this all out has made me feel better. I tried to do way too much today and I hope tomorrow goes better. The paintings the kids did are kind of funny. When I envisioned us sitting down and painting together I think I believed this hidden creativity would come out of each of us...not so. My kids basically were painting the board. So Mags was trying to make a pink board, Canaan a purple. So now I basically have three different color boards to hang on the wall...that is funny. My painting on the other hand looks ridiculous but actually served a purpose for me. I drew nine boxes and in jumbled letters so you cannot read what it says, I wrote "be the best" each letter in its own box. It was a really symbolic painting for me because that is what I am always attempting and the jumbled letters represents what really comes out of me. I appreciated that. Ok so now I do see a good thing about today...my painting....and my blessed children who are now all fast asleep. I feel better : )

life as I see it right now

2010-09-02T18:47:00.000-07:00

I write all of the time in this journal about being overwhelmed because I think I am most of the time...I feel like God has been reminding me that I am a mother because I am called to be a mother by HIM. I know I am where I am supposed to be. In that calling I think I should feel the presence of God as I go about my daily tasks and live this life with my family. It turns out though that most of the time that is not the case. Most of the time, I awake and my day controls me. I barely get through it before it tumbles into another day and by then I have lost complete control. I want our home to be a Holy place. I want to feel God's presence as I do our tasks and I want my children to feel His presence as well. I have spent years making lists and schedules. Sometimes I thrive by them and sometimes they bring more guilt because I then can see all of the areas I am failing. I am going to take a different approach...though schedule and lists are a must for my life I want to be more intentional about meditation, rest and being in God's presence. I want to be able to ask Him to order my day, to give me life and creativity and above all Wisdom in it. This is what I need, I cannot go it alone. A friend was praying for Kyle and I this weekend and I was reminded that Jesus loves me and my children. Somehow that seemed like a new thought, though I know it my heart has forgotten it. I am trying to remember. I will not make it through this life without guidance and love from my Father. God is good, I will trade in my heavy, confused and burdened heart for Jesus yoke...His burden is easy and light...easy and light it will be.

running vacation and tomatoes

2010-08-28T13:41:00.000-07:00

6 miles today! SO SLOW. I may have run the slowest I have ever run but that is the way it is until I am no longer so post partum.

We had a fantastic vacation in Central Lake. I realized that one week just was not enough, I was only starting to unwind. The kids love it there because they can play in the lake, on the shore, take boat rides, eat smores and be. Ahhhh. I wish we were still there. All that to say I came home and was slammed by our life. Canaan is back in school, 1st grade to be exact. He seems to like it but he will not really tell me so it is hard to say. I will miss him during the day but it is really important for him to have that structure to his day, the school year rhythm helps all of us. Mags will start preschool in a week and a half. I am excited for her too. The YMCA preschool seems to be leaps and bounds beyond Columbus Public as far as what they offer. I guess that would be what you get when you pay. Canaan's preschool experience was what he needed and this seems to be a good fit for Maggie also she will love her school year. Mr. Francis is now officially talking my ear off. Even as I type he is still talking to me so this post is probably disjointed. He is happy, crazy, and has more energy than the rest of his family combined. We are laughing ALOT with him these days. Marion now has two front teeth, rolls both ways and has a smile that will light up the room. If anyone even looks at her she grins from ear to ear. She is still super content to hang out as long as someone is in the room with her. She also sleeps all night say from 9pm-7:30am the next day. She is my doll and I adore her.

I was really nervous that our vacation timing may have messed up canning this year but today I was able to secure 100 pounds of tomatoes. this may be close to what I need but I am still trying to secure another 50 pounds. More and more people are canning so it is harder to come by large amounts of tomatoes at one time. anyway, I am looking at all of these tomatoes and feeling somewhat overwhelmed. grammy is coming to help this week, which is awesome. She can slice, cut and chop like nobody's business. It is hard work but will be worth it. my goal for the year is 74 pints of HOT salsa (kyle's exclusively), 12 pints of mild salsa for the rest of us, 24 quarts of spaghetti sauce (Maggies obsession is spaghetti and meatballs), 36 pints of pizza sauce and 24 quarts of applesauce. the applesauce is not for another month or so but as for the tomatoes, here goes nothing uuuggghhhh. We did not get the freezing done this year that I wanted so next year I hope to freeze several pounds of strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, peaches and corn. To do this amount of freezing I probably need to make a few trips to pick each crop. We are on a continuous learning curve but I am realizing that really, summer, the whole summer is food work. I want that to feel normal some day.. If we are efficient we should be able to have a decent store for the rest of the year. Each year has been different and we are learning as we go. fun.

3 miles

2010-07-23T04:51:00.000-07:00

I start training on monday. So excited...I think I can do this. the first 1/2 was about me and my friends, this time it will have to be a bit more personal I am afraid. Peoples schedules and paces are not lining up to do all the training together. Sad. but this is my journey and I will run regardless. My ipod has been good company. the Glee soundtrack, Lady Gaga, Biance, Radiohead...all ran with me today and were very helpful.

hmmmm

2010-07-22T18:23:00.001-07:00

so I complained that no one is posting anymore and then I don't post myself. On that note I feel BUSY...no one told me that having four children would control everything about my day and life : ) I don't mind, honestly I feel really proud of myself when I get through a day and it has run relatively smoothly. The best part about life now is that I feel the stirrings of being a human being, maybe even being a human being that contributes to society in some small way. My current obsession is food and running (shocker). The whole family is now gluten free in the home at least. It just was too hard to makes something separate for Canaan and really we all will benefit from less gluten I think. My sister has a good friend in Grand Rapids with some fantastic GF recipes. Check her out here. So far I have made her zucchini bread and today applesauce muffins. really the GF cooking can be so fun but I probably spend 3 hours a day cooking in my kitchen, some days more. I enjoy it though. I really want to convince myself that my kitchen deserves an upgrade, like I need to have the BEST utensils and appliances because I am in there all the time. I know I don't really NEED it, but darn it, some of those contraptions would make things much simpler. One day I will have a great food processor, a nice kitchen aid, and some fantastic pots and pans.

I just went to the bathroom came back and read what I wrote and was totally bored with it...the truth is, I have nothing to write about but wanted to post so I am leaving all of this nonsense on here. ok what else...oh well Marion is sleeping and napping wonderfully. This makes me want to stay home more because she will sleep well and I can get stuff done and engage my other children. I did an amazing thing yesterday, I actually worked with Francis on his letters (applause now). that may have been a first. But he really enjoyed the time and so did I. Life is moving forward. Final note, I am training for the half! this may or may not work out but I desperately need a goal. there I have said all I have to say except one more thing...I have a new found love for Agave yummmm. Now it is all said.

pool

2010-07-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

I successfully managed a day at the pool with a four children by myself. I was really excited and ENJOYED it...that was the key part enjoying it. we will be going back. YMCA I LOVE you...now if I could just get my friends to love you as much : )

nobody blogs anymore

2010-07-15T18:35:00.000-07:00

just saying...

just like that...

2010-06-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

so all of the sudden, my baby is in this fantastic rhythm (slept last night from 9:30pm-8:30am) and life feels like it is moving forward. 2 weeks ago life was a bit of a nightmare and now i am sleeping and breathing and RUNNING. Yeah! Summer is getting into a nice pace with the kids. It seems like our days will be filled with parks and pools. I cannot ask for more than that.

marion and sleep

2010-06-17T04:51:00.001-07:00

I don't know if this is a fluke but Marion has now slept 2 nights in a row from 9:30pm-7:30am...Right now she is still asleep and it is almost 8am.. So exciting about the possibility but I am not getting my hopes up just yet. I will say I am a bit sore : ) I need her to eat!

floating

2010-06-10T19:38:00.000-07:00

I wandered today, all day. I just could not motivate myself to master my home. Instead I crashed for about 2 hours in the afternoon, exhausted by our week so far. Some days I feel like things are really under control, most days I feel like I am not in control of anything, especially not my life. When I have difficult days I think that most moms feel the way I feel most of the time. We feel isolated, confused, worried about our children, guilty, and overwhelmed longing for days to feel alive rather than not feeling like anything at all. I plan things to fill time because I am too tired to parent or I need some breathing room from children. this is a phase I am in. I hit this point every time a new one is in our home and I am trying to reconfigure our family dynamic. The hardest part for me is eating. because many days I don't feel like I have time to give myself something to feel my soul I give myself food. It is a quick easy delicious fix to make me feel connected to something. But it is false. I binge in ways I would never want anyone to see mostly on some form of sugar. I have even taken to a new love of fast food with the kids for convenience sake. This is a new low for me! I patted myself on the back this evening because I did not go to Dairy Queen after ball practice : ) What I generally despise I am turning too out of desperation. I see my problem . I know I need to be participating in something outside of my children and home to breathe life into my spirit I just have no idea how to make it happen. It will come. Marion will get into our rhythm, or rather will help us create a new rhythm and I will again participate in things that are life giving. People ask me if going from three to four is hard. The answer is no, but having four children has made it feel like I have to pull even harder to get out of the hole of my home. If I can get sleep and order I will feel completely different and those will come. For now as silly as it sounds I need to figure out how to not eat 10 cookies a day. seriously.

Miss Marion is a joy. She is a soft mannered baby who tends to be on the finicky side. She smiles sweetly, talks softly and startles easily. These characteristics have made her our doll. She literally reminds me of all the dolls I mothered as a small child. She has given me struggle about getting into a sleeping rhythm but it will come. We all are enamored.

failure

2010-06-06T10:03:00.000-07:00

I am driven by a fear of failure and need to write about it. My friend texted me to see if I wanted to run tomorrow morning. That is the first time I have been asked since I had Marion. I have been telling myself I am going to get going but somehow my self motivation has not been enough to get me out the door. Fear...fear of not succeeding, fear of not reaching my marathon goal, fear of being too fat to run, control my life. So when I was asked directly to run, my stomach dropped. Can I do it? Now I am being confronted and have to make a choice. I texted her back "yep 7am at goodale" It is on. This same fear of failure that makes me feel so weak physically prevents me from trying so many different things in my life. I recently have taken on a small business pursuit and I am about sick about it. I really want to let it go. I ask myself what if this is a waste of money and time? what if I don't have what it takes to make it happen? Again, this fear is enough to make me want to quit before I even start. So the question I have to ask myself today is "what is success and what is failure for me"??? Right now success will be going for it. I am going to "run" tomorrow and let this be the metaphor for my life. I am going to try the small business...my life must be a continuous learning curve. Come what may. I want to know that whether I have "success" or "failure" I always tried. I have to see it as that. I will face my fear and do it. I need to show myself that I can do things whether or not I am good at them. So for now I start with running. There are SO MANY other areas to do this in but for today it is running. Now I wish I had not written this because now I have to do it AAAGGGHH !!! I love life and vulnerability.

yep

2010-05-22T11:28:00.001-07:00

I have officially fallen in love for the fourth time (not including my husband : )) The first few weeks of each of our babies lives is absolutely about me, as is the whole pregnancy (in case that was not obvious). But then something happens. Our little one starts to emerge as a person and... voila! my heart leaves my body. So now it has happened for a fourth time and I could cry about it. Marion is precious, adorable, needy, and ours. Once again I have made my mother's heart vulnerable to heartache as I watch her grow, shape, and become her own person apart from me. I ask myself why do I do this again and again??? The answer is simple. I love it. I love being a mother. I love loving my children until it hurts and there is no greater honor or sacrifice. I also love what it does for me. It makes me wrestle with questions about selfishness, worth, justice in the world, faith etc...In a nutshell, it changes me, daily. So thanks Marion for the reminder today, the reminder that my heart lives in the lives of FOUR people.

Did I mention that miss Marion takes a pacifier, sleeps on her stomach, and at some point each night ends up in bed with me?...those are all firsts for Meyers children and do I need to mention that she is the BABY???. She will get what ever she wants, she already does . My perspective is so different each time. It is good.

when do I get anything done??

2010-05-12T12:01:00.000-07:00

I just sat down to write about Marion's birth and the past month of our life and she is crying in her swing. Most days I get NOTHING done because she wakes easily and wants to be with me, in my arms. So I guess I will wait again to blog and carry miss priss around for another few hours : ) she is lucky she is cute. seriously. the laundry, bathrooms, kitchen, floors, and personal hygiene will just have to wait...not to mention the rest of my family.

BFIP

2010-05-06T09:12:00.000-07:00

Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In Public

sleepy time

2010-04-20T19:16:00.000-07:00

the time for blogging regularly again is soon...there is so much to write about. I will get to it. For now suffice it to say, my baby is adorable and asleep and therefore I should be as well.

the waiting game

2010-04-08T13:21:00.000-07:00

technically I am 7 days past due date today. No biggie really, I have been here every pregnancy. It is hard not to think about it though at this point. I want to go into labor and have our fourth here. All out of my control though, so we wait. On the other hand this week has been fantastic. All three kids are in Ironton (thank you thank you thank you nana and granddaddy) and I have truly rested. Having peace in the home reminds me of how chaotic it is here. We love the chaos because we love our family but what a gift to have to say to myself "now what should I do?". Things are in relatively good order, I am not rushing around doing last minute things and I have napped everyday. I have enjoyed my husband. It has been kind of like college hanging out and doing nothing, going to get coffee, dinner and watching him play video games : ) somethings will always be...so really the only stress is playing the mind games with myself about the birth and when it will happen. My midwives say I am doing great. The baby is active and strong and there is a day for this baby to be born. I just would LOVE to know what day that is! Oh well. The kids come home on sat so I will enjoy the last day tomorrow and go from there. I have no complaints my life is very very good.

all by myself

2010-04-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

All three kids just left with Nana and Grand Daddy and are off to Ironton for 4 days. Now would be the ideal time to have a baby but if not, I have plenty of other projects to keep me busy...starting with cleaning the house. That will all start right after my nap. I will miss the kids but really am looking forward to the next few days. I know they are as well. I love them.

ina may

2010-03-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

she is my hero. I just finished reading Ina May's guide to childbirth and it was just what I needed to read this time around. She is practical, intelligent and empowering. She gave me the courage that I need this time. Last time it was very much about my emotional connection to the birth and this time is just so much more practical. I simply needed to be reminded of the logistics and natural ways to deal with the birth itself. She has fantastic insight into women and their birth experiences and I am a better woman for reading her book. Thanks for your work Ina May...due date today and no baby (shocker). It has not mattered at all. I am going on with life until baby decides to come out. There is plenty here to give my attention to.

night away

2010-03-25T05:42:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in bed looking at Daffins website to order Easter candy (easily the worlds best chocolate). It is a candy store that was right near my house growing up. Dad would take us on major holidays to pick out candy. My choice was always their peanut butter cups. Yummmmm. So I will be getting something for the kids for Easter. On another note I am so happy to not have to rush this morning. I am sitting and thinking about our upcoming birth, which I dream about most nights. I have decided that the ideal birth situation would be for Tracy to go into labor this weekend with mom there. I will wait until after Easter and go into labor approx April 6-8th. That way Kyle and his family can help me the first week and then my mom can come around the 14th. We will see if I am right. The truth is that I do not feel like I will be going into labor yet so I am just guessing. On a more important note I need to get a shower so that I can have a ricotta pancake. That is what I really want.

night away

2010-03-21T13:48:00.000-07:00

I booked a night away at the Hyatt in downtown columbus. It is maybe 1 to 2 miles from my house...funny. It is one of my favorite things though to stay "away" in the city we already love, and enjoy some of our favorites...arena grand, tip top and north star to name a few. I am glad to have something to look forward to rather than waiting for labor. I used Priceline which I love. The Hyatt is a 4 star hotel and I named my price, $45, which they accepted. With taxes we are paying $65 to stay there. That is more than 1/2 off their own room rates if I booked through them. I am excited to sleep.

francis

2010-03-15T17:34:00.000-07:00

he slept in his big boy bed last night and for nap today...big relief, a little sad for me though. Good thing I have another baby going in the crib. somehow within the past 24 hours the boy has managed to drop my phone in his juice, paint the table with a bowl full of grape nuts, pour three cups of juice all over the table and those are just the things I remember. He is easily our most ornery. None of those things made me angry though he is just too funny. He is never malicious just curious and stuck inside the house. What am I too expect besides his actions?

remembering

2010-03-14T13:32:00.001-07:00

Francis
This is his name and this is what we will call him. So if you have not done so come and meet our sweet Francis Meyers. His arrival into this world and into this family has profoundly affected me, in a way that the birth of my first two children did not. I loved their births and love them but this experience was just so different. Having the FULL experience of labor and delivery, a process that I know he and I went through together, has already become immortalized in my mind as a Matrix experience, an experience where I knew I was blessed to say of myself "the blind are made to see" I realize that sounds a little cryptic but basically I knew what it meant to be alive. The pain, the intensity, and the boundaries that I was pushed past as I pushed out a 10 pound 4 oz baby was beautiful. For technicality and memory's sake the details are abbreviated as -I started contractions early sunday morning that were irregular but I knew that they were different because they started to hurt. This was random and sporadic throughout the day until around 8:30-9pm when I started to be able to time them and was needing to breathe through them. My midwife, Kelly, suggested that I sleep and as soon as I tried to lay down around 11pm everything really started going. The midwives, Nina and Kelly, arrived around 1:30am. I got into the birthing tub and stayed in there for 2 hours. It made a big difference just being able to relax in there between contractions. I got out of the tub and started to walk around hoping that this would speed things up. During this time I found myself moving into different positions such as squatting, rocking and swaying. I really was not choosing to do this, I just did. Later my midwives told me that I was moving the baby down, shifting and changing so that he would fit through the pelvis. I started to push around 5:15, again it was involuntary and just happened. My water broke, and through groaning cries I used every ounce of energy in my body and pushed Francis into the world at 5:45am. He was handed to me directly with little intervention and there we lay together. As I read that I know I cannot put the whole experience into words well... It was so different than my hospital births because I was in control. I never became a patient. Until it was time to push, the midwives sat, read, and occasionally checked the baby's heart beat. I was able to just allow my body to give birth, whatever that was going to look like. Recovery has been fantastic, no stitches, no medication with codeine. i am tired and a little sore but really I have been able to just relax in my home with my family. Nina came and checked on Francis and I on Thurs. We were able to sit, talk and process the experience together. I really needed that because I knew she would have more understanding and answers because she has helped and seen over 600 women give birth. She teared up as she talked about the beauty and blessing of watching women give birth. It never gets old it is always a gift. She said had I gone to the hospital the experience would have been so different because of his size. They probably would have broken my water to speed things up and the chances of him getting stuck would have been so much higher. By being given the chance to take it slow and be instinctual I was able to do it. I really did not know if I could, I never chose home birth to be a hero. I chose home birth because I wanted a chance to try. There was so much fear about the unknown, the pain and a million what ifs. God was present I knew it, and birthing my child became a spiritual experience. So much so that right after he was born I wanted to pray. We did. We thanked God for the gift of our son, the gift of birth, and for Himself. There will be more thoughts in the days and years to come but now I am just sort of in euphoria over the experience. It was another death of myself and I was borne again into motherhood. crazy crazy.

great

2010-03-13T16:03:00.000-08:00

had a wonderful shower today with friends and family. I love them all. Being gifted was great as I now will be able to finish the loose ends to getting this baby here. It made it all seem real, and real fun.

irritability

2010-03-12T12:15:00.000-08:00

is it normal to be SO MOODY at this point??? I hope so because I am frustrated all day long...frustrated with how I feel, frustrated that my children create mess which is work and frustrated that I have to do any kind of work at all. It is like being in a permanent state of PMS. blah. I have worked really really hard to get Maggie to poop on the potty and that is just making my blood boil. She has not gone in 3 or 4 days and is positively refusing. We have not left the house because I do not want to go out and have her poop her pants but I am asking myself, is it worth this fight? she is screaming I am furious and we have a tendency to bring out the worst in each other anyway. She does not pull the power struggle with Kyle and then again, he does not pull it with her. Nonsense, all of it. My biggest complaint this pregnancy has been feeling out of control and that continues to be the root of everything. If i could have it my way my children would behave perfectly, the house would be spotless, I would have an over abundance of energy and patience and we would be enjoying our days rather than trying to figure out how to survive through them. Just as I got rid of my sinus infection I got hit with another change of the season cold, so I am still fighting snot. tomorrow will be better. I hope.

today march 6th

2010-03-06T19:49:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday to the best nana and mother in law!! Today we were able to celebrate Maggie and Nana together at a family party at our house. It was a good time. Mags enjoyed it immensely, was thrilled with her many princess presents and was just plain happy. On wed, her actual birthday. we will celebrate her with some friends at Galaxy. My girl is 4. With that has come a little more stability on her part and hopefully a bit more more on mine. She just seems so much more grown up. There is a HUGE difference from 3 to 4. She will be a great big sister. Speaking of being a big sister...the pregnancy is moving along, I am 36 weeks. Our home visit is Monday and that means the baby is welcome to come any time after that. I am large and not so in charge these days. My body hurts but my energy has seemed to hold up. I think that is in part to my dear Hannah coming and creating peace out of the havoc of our home. She has been wonderful about cleaning, moving furniture, painting, organizing and just moving my life forward in this space in ways I am not capable of. ( My capability on a lot of those things has nothing to do with pregnancy I just am NOT an efficient home keeper). Hannah is a gift and I love her. The week went way too fast. The conversation has been good, not being rushed to talk about anything and nothing and just having time has been great. I am thankful. Now I will move my attention more toward preparing for birth literally and mentally. It won't be long I am ready and not ready all at the same time. The beauty there, is that it is not up to me. There is a time for this baby to be born and I get to wait for it...and waiting I will do. My body at this point is giving me no choice.

6 weeks and counting

2010-02-18T17:49:00.000-08:00

feeling so very pregnant these days but somehow am feeling able to get through it. I have this lingering cold going on 10 days and I cannot wait until it is gone. I am a bit thankful for the cold though, it helps put things in perspective. I have felt so miserable that it makes being just pregnant seem like a breeze.... We have been in the house most of the time thanks to weather and lack of desire for leaving...Lindsay Vaughn just fell in the downhill. lame

on the mend

2010-02-15T13:08:00.000-08:00

feeling so much better after a wretched cold last week...I started to clean today which always helps and we are finally getting a good snow. We have had snow but it is coming down heavily right now and that is my favorite.

its a good morning

2010-02-06T05:10:00.000-08:00

So I have gone from the point in pregnancy of being mildly contemplative to now just being. I do not spend a whole lot of time thinking about how I can change the world or myself these days, so that makes blogging somewhat boring doesn't it? I feel peaceful today though and maybe even a little bored. I have not been bored in ages but despite not having done a thing to get ready for this baby I am wandering around wondering what to do with myself. I think I need to group my thoughts and start working on the projects that must be done...namely moving the bedrooms all around, getting painting done, and making sure I have what I need for the new little one. I am going to work on getting my diapers refreshed for a second child, and I know I need some of the big things again. Not knowing the sex of this child makes it hard to really commit to any thing though. So I just put everything off. oh well that is all.

ballerinas

2010-01-30T16:22:00.000-08:00

right now I have not one but two ballerinas. Maggie and Francis, both in tutus, are spinning around the living room to twinkle twinkle little star. It is one of the funniest thing I have seen...at least for today.

31 weeks

2010-01-29T07:22:00.001-08:00

in an ideal world that would mean 9 weeks left. I reality, for me, that means 10 or 11 weeks. Regardless, the baby will be here soon. The past few months have flown by and all of us in this house are really excited to meet our newest addition. the kids in particular can't wait although Canaan gave me some specifications. " Mommy are you going to scream?" (in regards to labor) I said maybe and he said "I will be going to Nana's when you have the baby I do not want to be around for that" He hates unfamiliar sounds, so much that he probably won't come near the baby in the beginning if it is crying. Maggie on the other hand would probably choose to be up close and personal. She continues to refer to the baby that is in her tummy as Gabby and I am sure when my baby is born hers will be as well. Now Francis is about as clueless as any 2 yr old would be. He still thinks that my popped out belly button is the baby and that is enough for him. He has grown up so much over the past few months though that I expect him to fall into the big brother roll pretty quickly. I feel ok, some days I am really tired others are not so bad. I get overwhelmed WAY to easily and even if I have just one thing scheduled for the day that is more than enough for me. today I plan on cleaning and that will make it a successful day even if I only get one room done. I love my family, my husband and Grammy continue to pick up my slack and I am spoiled. I have crazy dreams most nights...last night I dreamed that on top of having a baby we got a couple of foster kids and adopted some from Haiti. I was trying to nurse every one and it was not working out. A few nights before that I birthed 8 at one time.... i wish.

i am a fan

2010-01-23T20:04:00.000-08:00

J.K. Rowling is a FANTASTIC story teller. I just finished the third book and I am now an official fan. It was a delightful read and I cannot wait to start book four. I get what all the hype is about. This is fun.

lazy lazy

2010-01-18T13:48:00.000-08:00

Today Canaan was home from school so it really felt like another weekend day. I acted like it was another weekend day. We hung out and it was real chill around here. I have said it before but that seems to be my life these days...chill. I don't get over excited about much. 10 weeks to go. I think that snail pace for 10 weeks may be a bit excessive so hopefully something will motivate me. Lianne and I have been looking at "crafty" things to do and I think a project is in sight. I am excited about that! I do not have skills but I want to try. I can learn. I know I can.

On another note, we had let Canaan start eating a little gluten over the holidays mostly because I had not been putting a huge emphasis on food. I was wanting to be under the impression that it was fine but it was not. He was getting fidgety and flapping in ways that we have not seen in a long time. the good news is that I learned again that there is a reason he is on a gfcf diet...the bad news is I think the whole family needs to follow suit now. There is just no way for me to sustain making 2 meals at every meal plus Canaan is starting to notice he eats differently. He is not happy about that so I think if I can get creative about the gf stuff because it affects all of us, then I will make decent meals. I hope.

brain dead

2010-01-15T13:56:00.000-08:00

It is official...there is nothing there. As of right now I have such a hard time forming any decent thoughts or caring about things I normally try to invest myself in. This makes it very difficult to hold a conversation. I have not spent much time engaging others outside of my immediate household... if this means you are getting ignored I offer my apologies and say I will come back to life in about 4 months. I look forward to that time although being a home body has had it's benefits too. Life is moving at a very slow pace, my world feels very small. This happens every pregnancy which makes me think it must be normal for me and even ok. I dream of things like running, having energy and not having acne. Seriously. On the other hand I dream of meeting our newest Meyers baby and am excited for what he/she will bring to our family. I am 3/4 of the way there. Things have been hard but manageable. Let's see if I can get through the last trimester gracefully. Context clues would say no. Oh well.

up and at 'em

2010-01-11T04:29:00.001-08:00

up since 4:30am, 2 cups of coffee and some toast....is it nap time yet?

francis

2010-01-08T08:02:00.000-08:00

yesterday "stinker pants" turned 2. why I gave him that awful nickname I will never know...and yet he lives up to it daily. As we move into the 2's it is even more so. The child has an idea in his head about the way EVERYTHING should be and proceeds to try to boss the rest of the house into his way. He is so cute about it, that you just kind of want to oblige. He is funny, smart, extremely physical when he plays and brings so much fun to this house. We celebrate Francis tonight with the family in a simple 2 yr old way. He will get a few more trains, get to blow out candles and that will be about it. He will love it. I am still extremely attached to his beautiful birth and seeing him so big makes me sad. He is my baby for a few short months but somehow even now he isn't. He really wants to be one of the big kids and chases Mags and Canaan around the house. HE is starting to speak much more clearly and talks all the time. He is in love with Canaan...so much so that my name has gone from Mommy to Manaan...literally. I will take it. I love my little boy.

new year 2010

2009-12-31T15:18:00.000-08:00

nothing to say really about the new year...this past year has been good, the next one will be interesting and most of the time I feel like I am along for the ride. The week between Christmas and New Years has been refreshing and low key. I have needed it more than I even realized. I think in the back of my mind, I always know I need to gear down and never am quite sure how to do it. Really, it is just a state of mind for me, choosing to be present in my space and letting unimportant things slide. I hope that continues next week as well. One special gift I got for Christmas will be helping me get through the next 3 months of pregnancy. Thanks to Aunt Connie for the Harry Potter book series. I read the first one while in Ironton last weekend and it was just fun. I am really excited to read them and really excited for Canaan to be old enough to read them as well.

Christmas Day

2009-12-25T05:30:00.000-08:00

This post may come in 2 parts. It is 8:30am and the kids are still asleep! I am as excited or more for them today. They have embraced EVERY aspect of the Christmas experience and this will be the climax for them. Kyle got the room ready last night. I came downstairs and tears welled up in my eyes when I saw his hard work at being "santa" It brought back so many memories for me of childhood and how much love my parents put into Christmas Day and our lives. There is so much materialism associated with Christmas but I am getting to old and soft to want to be the judge of it. Honestly, at this point I just want to enjoy my children and watch them enjoy the magic. They each have something special this year sitting out ready for them...Canaan a keyboard, Mags an art easel, and Francis a train table. They will be so thrilled. Our families have generously blessed us once again (they do ALL THE TIME). They are the ones who were the real gift givers to our children this year. "Family, we love you and your continuous generosity brings tears to my eyes the Christmas morning. Thank you for loving us unconditionally...all of you. Merry Christmas". Yep, now I am officially crying.

on another note, Christmas Eve was special as well. Church at Lower Lights was intimate, with family communion around the alter. Our family gathered here last night for a feast that my father would refer to as the "glorious presentation" It was a spread for sure. The kids loved this night as well, maybe Francis most of all. That boy is all Willoughby when it comes to celebrating. Well I guess there is time for coffee with the husband before the kids get up!

christmas program

2009-12-20T10:23:00.000-08:00

Canaan and Mags were in the Christmas program at church this morning. They did great, it was so cute and it was good to worship at Lower Lights today. The highlight of the service was a skit. A lady was walking down the church aisle lamenting about not having peace. She was praying and crying out to God to give her relief. A four year old in our church, not understanding that she was "pretending" jumped out of his seat, ran down the aisle, and hugged her to offer comfort. Peace. Yeah that about summed it up. Peace to you and yours on this 4th Sunday of advent.

snow

2009-12-19T16:01:00.000-08:00

there have been big snow storms this weekend and Boston is gearing up for it tonight. This amongst so many winter things really makes me miss living there. Tonight though, it is about the snow storms. I wish I was there. Big snows force you to do nothing and completely justify it. So bring it on Ohio, give us a good one...SOON. This tired mama needs a good excuse.

update

2009-12-07T05:57:00.000-08:00

an update is in order for the precious ornaments. After we brought the ornaments home Maggie could not help herself but to carry Aeriel around. We had talk after talk after talk about being very careful so that Aeriel does not get broken. All my talk was to no avail when after less than 24 hrs. Aeriel was in 3 pieces. In Maggie's defense it was the simple act of walking, tripping and falling which lead to Aeriel's demise but she is gone none the less. Luckily she has both a Grammy and a Nana who quickly are coming to her aid to replace the poor little mermaid.

Francis has been ok with his Hot Rod ornament, feeling happy to have it when I give it to him. The problem with Francis arose when we tried to put the ornament on the tree. The tears started to fall and he was balling at the sight of it. As far as he is concerned it does not belong and will not belong on the tree and continues to fight me to put it up. So that makes 2 ornaments not on the tree.

Canaan's ornament would have happily nestled into the tree if it were not for his father's sick sense of humor. If I can get a hold of a camera (that is right this mother has no camera right now hint hint : )) I will take a picture of his miniature arcade game sitting on the mantle being played by none other than the wise men. It really is one of the funniest things that I have seen. They are all in their typical kneeling position and instead if bowing toward the Christ child, it looks as though they are eagerly playing and watching Galadaga. What a life...that my friend makes three ornaments purchased for our precious stubby tree and three ornaments definitely not on the stubby tree. Merry Christmas.

tradition

2009-12-04T04:34:00.000-08:00

I am a sucker for it. I LOVE having things to look forward to, things that are the same in a good way. Christmas brings it out in me the most, as I am sure it does for many many people. This year has been more exciting than ever though because our children are all over it. They are loving the advent wreath and advent calendar. We have been eating around the dining room table each evening with our advent candle lit and christmas music. It has felt sacred and so so joyful. Kyle and I took them yesterday evening to pick out an ornament that was special to them. This is another tradition we hope to continue. Our kids did not disappoint. They were so excited. Maggie quickly found a little mermaid ornament, Canaan an old school arcade game ornament, and Francis found the Hot Rods, all completely appropriate for where our childrens' hearts are at this stage of their lives. For them, it is simply exciting to have something to hang on the tree, but for me, I was imagining opening the same boxes 15 years from now and remembering their joyful childhood which somehow gets better and better.

After we picked out ornaments we wandered into Larsons, a great toy store on Lane Ave. Canaan made my day. He had no use for any toys and was even walking around a bit bored until he discovered the whoopie cushions. I showed him how they work and what people do with them. He laughed SO HARD. Canaan has this high pitch laugh (kind of like his dad) that only comes out when he thinks things are really funny. So after a 1/2 hour in Larsons, mostly trying to get us to sit on the whoopie cushion, Canaan knew that was what he wanted for Christmas. He is one funny kid. Did I mention the stinkin thing is only $4?

we found our car

2009-11-18T12:32:00.001-08:00

So a police officer came to my door this morning and informed me that they found our van about 1/2 mile from here. He helped me into the back of his car and escorted me to the car which has a bit of damage... dents, parts removed, car seats gone, window broken and this was the visible damage. Now we will see what it looks like to get it repaired. The car has been towed to the Honda Dealership and we will go from here. Insurance should cover all costs so maybe this whole thing will just work out.

chlorophyll

2009-11-17T05:04:00.001-08:00

I started liquid chlorophyll this week. It is supposed to put more oxygen in the blood stream and give you more energy. I feel good today so maybe it is working??? I am sure there is non sense to much I try outside of exercise and eating right does. That does not stop my experiments. My life happens to be an experiment, always trying to find the next best thing for myself and our family. I can be rather inconsistent and loud about my choices, consistently revealing those inconsistencies. I accept and maybe even embrace that. It is really really fun. Mags has been at Grand Daddy and Nana's house since Saturday. I realize how much she adds to our house in terms of noise, energy, chaos, and above all joy. That girl is a stinkin force to be reckoned with and she is so good for our family. I have enjoyed the quiet for a moment but I am really starting to miss her. Our family is not whole without her here. She is happy though. She needs ALOT of individualized attention and no one does that better than her Nana. It is good for her to be there and great for she and I to have a bit of space from eachother. When I have the energy for her, it is always so much more pleasant in our relationship.

Applesauce day was yesterday. We canned 61 quarts and 35 pints. I love homemade applesauce and as soon as I tasted this years batch I had so many memories. Now those memories only go back about 1 year but I think as the canning years go on there will be great memories associated with it. This years memory includes Lianne and Grammy slaving away and yet each of us somehow finding great satisfaction in a rote task. Grammy may have sat and chopped apples for 6 hours. Canning with her in particular, will always be special for me. Time to get the kids up and Canaan off to school.

Last thought, I had Canaan's parent teacher conference last night and it was great. He is doing well, is bright, and learning quickly. The best part was that there was no mention of any kind of disability or delay. No mention was needed. He is thriving in his classroom this year and is so happy to be there. That makes me so excited!!! Kyle and I are proud of how hard he works and of his gentle sweet spirit. He is a precious boy.

20 weeks

2009-11-13T04:21:00.000-08:00

Half way there. I celebrated today by getting up at 6am and going to exercise with Lianne. It has been way to long. she was able to run about three miles, me well... 20 pounds into this thing my exercise looked like a 2 mile walk with a few strides every now and again. I am committing that the second half of my pregnancy will be healthy and a huge component will be the exercise. We will see how I feel today, for now I feel good and really really hungry.

today

2009-11-11T18:20:00.000-08:00

van is gone gone gone. I guess some one just took it. I really am not feeling anything but extremely inconvenienced. I was quite used to my luxury perfection for toting around small children. Oh well.

Kyle and I watched Twilight last night

2009-11-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

yep. everyone warned me that it was pretty terrible so I had extremely low expectations. The funny thing is I actually liked it. It redeemed the love story for me because I did not have to hear Bella's thoughts and some of the exchanges looked much more natural than they sound in the story. We had fun watching it. Silly. Kyle and I love to watch things like that together and it is fun. I told him if I was in High School I probably would have gotten into the hype myself but now I really just like the Vampire stuff and am completely disconnected from the love story.

I imagine next we will read Harry Potter together and watch each movie in between each book. That should help get through the winter. I better finish Twilight (I am on book 3) so that we can start that. I am listening to the Chipmunks Christmas with my children this morning and they love it. As is in true Meyers form these days Mags and I are not dressed yet. We tend to do that around 10am these days. I need to get a new notebook to make my lists. I lost mine and I really don't know how to get through the day without writing down my tasks. I guess my first task is to get a new notebook...soon.

hey

2009-11-05T18:24:00.000-08:00

today I just want to write and do not have anything to write about...lame. I dreamed last night that I just got up and ran 12 of the 13.2 mile marathon. I felt good and was so happy. I keep thinking that I am going to start exercising again but the idea of getting up really early is too much and the rest of the day is full of our family life. So really I just said that it is just not that important to me right now. Maybe that is true. It is hard for me not to look at my pregnant body and think weak and tired. It is how I look, it is how I feel so I guess it is the way I should act. Wrong. I want this pregnancy to be different. How can I start exercising and want to? It is much harder this time for me to not have absolute disdain for my body. Then I feel guilty for that. I had finally gotten back to some semblance of my pre pregnancy self only to have it completely distorted out of view within 4 months. I cannot look at my body and see beautiful , just pregnant. That is sad and if anyone else told me that is what they thought of themselves I would probably try to shame them into seeing things differently : ) I went to get a few clothes tonight, managed to get 1 outfit with the help of a friend but other than that I cannot even bring myself to buy anything. The things I have now do not help at all. They don't really fit well, are worn out or stretched out. But when I try on things I cannot see it with a true perspective. I am my prenatal baby's house and I see nothing else. hmmmm. I know better about everything that I just wrote and I know I am looking at this all wrong. Now to say something positive.... I think to do that I will just change the subject.

Life is good at our house. Everyone is healthy, happy and we are semi thriving. I will take Francis and Mags to COSI tomorrow. they could use a break from our house and so could I. I was talking to Canaan about whether we were having a boy or a girl this time and his response was "Mommy if you have a girl it would be a pattern." I asked him to clarify and he said "you know, boy, girl, boy, girl" True Canaan. Mags is teetering between wanting to be a big girl and a baby. She loves to try to use baby talk but at the same time is always asking us for liberty to do more on her own. It is an awkward, emotional time for her but she and I are muddling through. The best therapy for Mags is time with just me or Kyle to be herself. She is so well behaved when we take her out alone and we really value that time with her. Francis is now saying "I do" but mostly he just says "Canaan" over and over because he is OBSESSED with his big brother and father. He wants to be with them all the time. He is eating alot more, they all are and it is getting expensive to feed these kids. I do love them though.

quiet

2009-11-01T05:14:00.001-08:00

It is Sunday morning and I am sitting in my house alone. Grammy is still upstairs and Kyle and the kids are in Ironton. I cleaned yesterday which really means getting everything put back in its rightful place and now am enjoying the peace of the morning. I like it but I know if it was one more day I would be losing my mind. I love my family and want them here with me. that being said, last night I got out a little bit which is unusual but I realized it is necessary. So much of my world revolves around my home and children and outside of the context I am starting to be a bit uncomfortable. Even my closest relationships are with other moms. Trying to maintain me is essential but six years into motherhood who the heck am I? I don't even know where to begin with that question. And I certainly don't know who I want to be outside of my mom and wife mode. I will say that I want the wife mode to look more like friendship and sharing things rather than domestic partners sharing the chores of life. Not to say that we don't have friendship but I think in maintaining our friendship and outside interests I can re emerge with thoughts outside of daily life. I really don't know...the hard part is that when I am not outside of my context I don't even think about the necessity of being there and that scares me. It is funny that this re evaluation seems to happen most times when I am pregnant because I become so holed up and internal. I know I have outside interests, running and my love of good food being my favorite, but those 2 things are non existent right now and I feel somewhat lost and insecure. Coffee time though, I will sit alone and think. It is another hard thing for me because my house is NEVER really quiet and I have gotten so used to the noise and not thinking. I need to stop writing before I have a crisis : ) Ultimately, I need more time alone to become...

breathe on these dry bones

2009-10-29T06:11:00.000-07:00

set me free. break these chains. These lines are from a vineyard song (scripture) from our Cambridge days. Those were good days...thinking about them today. I had a great visit at my midwives office yesterday. They were super encouraging. I am going to read one of Ina May Gaskin's book and a hypo birthing book. Should be interesting. I heard the heartbeat yesterday. This is a normal thing but somehow yesterday it actually meant something. It was loud and so fast and I connected to the baby in my womb for the first time. Up until now this pregnancy has been about me and only me. I am excited. I started to imagine him/her and being that I have three Meyers children I know a bit about what the baby will look like, be like and I will be so happy to meet our fourth. Trick or treat today and Harvest party at school...Fun day!

twilight

2009-10-28T05:32:00.000-07:00

only the epilogue left to read in the first book...I would not call it great writing by any means however I get what the hype is all about. The darn vampires are just so intriguing. At first I could not get past the terrible dialogue and the more than cheesy love story but then ramifications to their relationship began and I was with them. Pop culture writing at its finest : ) I will give myself a few days then start the second book. I do not know why I just wrote about Twilight.

good day

2009-10-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

I feel better, finally. the cough has seriously let up and the weekend was good. I feel much stronger and this makes me feel hopeful. Honestly, the past few weeks, heck months, I was thinking I am not going to make it through this pregnancy. Again the drama in my mind is ridiculous but so it is. So I am holding out that things will continue to improve and sickness will stay away for a while. The kids and I are all on a daily regimen of vitamins, silverbiotics, and probiotics with the occasional dose of cold and flu remedy. Will it make a difference? I have no idea but it feels good to be trying. And it feels good that no one has a runny nose or cough right now. That has not been the case for the past month. As always, vulnerability makes me fearful. It happens every pregnancy to me...carrying a new person and trying to survive and thrive makes me EXTREMELY aware of my humanity. It is healthy and it is important for me to continually try to reckon my need for control. The bottom line is, I have no real control. I need to accept that daily. I cannot make everything nice and neat and certainly not perfect, and by no means can I avoid illness and ultimately death. The people who I know who have reconciled this seem to live more peacefully and mindfully. I always say, I want to know that, but really I do not want to go through hard times to really understand that. Again, that is all out of my control. Today I fight irrational fears, today I fight control, today I fight my weaknesses. How??? Surrender, constantly. It is so hard for me. Today though I choose surrender. I hope I will tomorrow as well. Oh yeah, I started to read Twilight last night. Now, that should be great pregnancy reading. Kyle says he is a little worried that I, the 30 yr old mother, (with clearly no exciting life) will want to fall in love with a vampire. Who knows maybe I will : ) Kidding! I love my husband, he is all the vampire I need. Did I just go to far?

good week

2009-10-14T19:47:00.001-07:00

This is a good week. Kyle's birthday is tomorrow and we will celebrate together in the morning by going to breakfast. I cannot wait. We have not been out of our house alone together in 2 months. I have just been too sick. Tomorrow will be fun. I am so excited to have breakfast at North Star in the morning that I may not be able to sleep. I will say, my ravenous appetite and lack of funding means that I will have breakfast at home first thing and follow that with a smaller second breakfast at North Star. Oh the sacrifices a mother makes! My husband has been a dream. Just tonight I came home to him folding clothes after cleaning up the kitchen and doing some vacuuming, oh yeah and he had just put all 3 kids to bed. He does more than his share around here and it makes our home a much smoother place. I love him.

Bland Food is Tasty!

2009-10-12T21:54:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Bland Food is Tasty!

to innoculate or not??

2009-10-12T17:42:00.000-07:00

So we are feeling better and now I am trying to decide about H1N1 vaccine. At first I was definitely not and that has moved to a maybe. I don't know yet...if I was not pregnant I would not do it. hmmmmmm.

Sickness

2009-10-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

our house has been an full of sick sick sick this week. Everyone is coughing and sneezing etc. LAME. Francis and I have had a particularly hard time but I keep thinking the end is in sight. Pregnancy wise things continue to improve and I think I will be as close to my usual self as I am in pregnancy soon. 15 weeks now, it is moving along at a decent pace although feeling sick with a cold is a bit overwhelming. Oh well. Here's to tomorrow being a great day!

my best friend

2009-10-01T12:31:00.000-07:00

today is a devastating day. My best friend is letting her foster son go. He has been there for just over a year and now will be permanently placed with his Grandmother. If you know her, please pray for her, her family, and her much bonded 1 yr old. I know that they will be grieving. There has to be Hope there though. "God may your grace and mercy stretch far in the coming days in miraculous ways. We need you."

today there is no understanding, just heartache.

Time

2009-09-27T12:35:00.000-07:00

I just looked at at the weather this week and toward the end of the week it barely hits 70 with the rest of the week being in the low to mid 60's. Time to switch out the clothes. I love to do it, it always feels a bit cleansing.

4th time

2009-09-26T12:37:00.000-07:00

you know you are on your fourth pregnancy when you are searching to read everything online about how many weeks you are...only to skip the whole part about the baby's development and try to figure out when YOU will FEEL better. I am really excited about the fourth addition to our family, not so excited to go through another pregnancy. In fact, right now I just feel trepidation about the pregnancy, the birth, and the first 3 months of the baby's life. With your first (and maybe your second and third) there is this novelty about the beautiful thing happening inside you. For me now, I am so overwhelmed by the three that I have at ages 5,3,1. I just am not even in survival mode, but desperation mode. I have to get through the day so that I can get through the next day. It sounds melodramatic and trust me I feel as melodramatic as it sounds. I am in my 13th week and every day I wake thinking, "will I feel better today?" The answer every day so far has been, a little. Yes today will be a little better than yesterday and tomorrow a bit better than today. I hope.

I met with a few women the other evening who had all had home births previously. They re-inspired me temporarily. It was good to be in their company and hear their stories. One thing we talked about a lot was diet. In particular a high protein diet (80-100 grams daily). I crave protein all the time, I did with all of my pregnancies. They have all been healthy and good. It is just fun to focus on specifics this time. We will see.

Kyle took the boys to Ironton last night so Mags and I had last night and much of today by ourselves. We had a good time together. She was so well behaved and happy and again I realize how much individualized attention she needs. We walked around the mall last night, had breakfast together at Tommy's, folded clothes, and napped. The girl never left my side not even during sleep. As soon as the boys were home she had her first melt down. Hmmmmm, girls (self included) are so needy. How do I make her feel unique and special in the middle of the group?

12 weeks

2009-09-20T12:41:00.000-07:00

the desperation is starting to lift. 2 days now I have not been overwhelmed with fatigue and there is hope in sight. Kyle and I took the kids to Mt Vernon today and Canaan rode his bike all over the campus of good old MVNU. It was a pleasant day for all of us.